


too hard, too scarred

by snowyseas



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, F/M, Mental Health Issues, NaruSaku - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-03
Updated: 2018-01-22
Packaged: 2018-09-21 18:38:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 43,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9561719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snowyseas/pseuds/snowyseas
Summary: (but you know, i still wake up with you every morning like we're still dead) Told from Naruto's perspective, we see his life with his first love and to what extent his love for her will keep her from hurting herself. Mental illness heavy, rating may change. [NaruSaku] [AU] [this is also on my ffnet]





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I don't really have a notes section on ffnet, so I didn't write anything, really. It's been like, a really long time, since I really posted anything and since I really wanted to tell a story. I started writing this back in July of 2016, and I published it in October after having forgotten about it for a while, and I am currently still working on this. This is only a few chapters long, but it's very HEAVY, in terms of content and such. It's about 10k per chapter lmfao because I wanted to challenge myself and give myself room to improve my storytelling. Kudos / comments are so heavily appreciated <3

_The summer before his senior year of high school, Naruto was advised by the school counsellor to participate in more extracurricular activities. Being an actor was hard when you had no experience in the theatre, or any experience managing an event. Some people had natural talent, but who could ever tell, apart from those who actually had experience in these areas? He knew he was somewhat lazy, and he knew there were probably better career options out there, just like his mom always told him, but he couldn’t bring himself to try being a lawyer, or a doctor, or a CEO of a company that he would later hand down to a successor. It just wasn’t him, but with acting — and God, did he love it — he got to make people laugh, cry, and to go on a journey. Cheesy as it may be, Naruto knew that that was one of the things he wouldn’t let go of. Once he set his mind to something, it was all he ever saw, and it was all he ever had passion for. He knew that the journey to be successful was not easy, but he also knew he had the drive to work hard. It’s what his teachers loved most about him._

_Even so, he was told that universities looked at_ potential _, it didn’t matter what you actually wanted to be. All they cared about was that you did a program that they offered, and they would support you with whatever means they could. Especially in this day and age where the demand for jobs was high, Naruto couldn’t risk just doing_ one _thing. He spent countless nights staying awake as he wrote personal statements, personal essays, and submitting them to as little as ten universities before he stretched, yawned, and continued to write. That was how the first half of his summer was spent, writing and bullshitting his way through his essays, and even though he wanted to skip ahead to where he was successful and happy, he knew that that wasn’t how life worked. He knew you had to work hard, he knew_ he _had to work hard._

 _So there he was, a week before senior year started, helping the Social Committee plan a bonfire to kick off the year before everyone was subjected to misery and impending doom on whether or not they would be accepted to the university of their dreams. Naruto held his phone and scrolled through the list of items they needed, just_ hours _before the damn thing was supposed to start, and he furrowed his brows in frustration, despite the fact that he was standing on soft sand, about to overlook a gorgeous sunset._

 _“We were supposed to have this shit_ two days ago _, Shikamaru, what the hell are we gonna do?” Naruto hollered to his classmate who always dubbed everything as ‘too troublesome’._

_“They didn’t have it at the shop, and Ino and I looked all over town,” he responded, his voice calm and collected, “but it’s okay, Sai is looking around right now. I told him to text Ino once he found more firewood and matches. Plus the drinks.”_

_“What about the rest of the barbecue food?”_

_“Chouji’s got it covered,” a blonde, blue-eyed girl chimed in._

_“How are you so calm? And anyway, why is Sai texting you and not me when he’s found everything?”_

_“Because you actually get kind of scary when you start yelling like you do,” Ino, the blonde girl who also happened to be the Chair of the Social Committee, chuckled and clapped a hand on his shoulder, “but that’s how you are. Chill. We got this.”_

_Naruto flashed her a bright smile and he was already starting to feel better. It was funny what growing up did to a person, because never in a million years would he thought that he wanted to care about a school carnival — what’s more if he actually participates in setting it up? Ino took his phone from him and began scrolling through the list herself, directing orders to those responsible in an assertive but kind manner. Naruto admired her tenacity, he always had, and before he knew it, Sai, along with a few others of his classmates, had come back to the beach with just enough time to spare. Their graduating class was always thought to be interesting. Well, by the PTA, that is. It was their class that was debuting this bonfire, because the class that graduated before them really could not come to care about how they spent their final year of high school. Throughout his whole life, Naruto’s parents always told him that high school was important and difficult, because it would be the first time someone would ever have to face so much pressure, and at such a young age, too. Although Naruto was not particularly wealthy, he wasn’t living in poverty, either. Both his parents had decided to take a career route that no one else’s parents did: they were ex-spies who retired when Naruto came along. Naturally, gadgets and government secrets were kept hidden around the house, but Naruto knew all their tricks. He had the charisma of his father, and the temper of his mother. Being able to talk his way through to what he wanted was definitely something his father taught him, and his hardworking nature? That, of course, came from his beautiful mother, who was admired by everyone in the area they lived in. Growing up the way he did, it’s no wonder Naruto wants to get away from a stressful life that could potentially cause harm to him, or his family._

_Surprisingly, people started showing up on the beach right on time, which made Ino cock an eyebrow, but then laugh, because she was always ‘fashionably late’ to these things throughout high school. She was beautiful, popular, the kind of person all the girls wanted to be friends with, and the kind of person all the guys wanted to date. Even Naruto had a crush on her, at some point. Then again, he had known Ino from before puberty hit her. They were next-door neighbors, and Ino’s father was a detective who specialised in interrogation. It was a very different job than Naruto’s parents, because he_ worked _for the government before he decided to have his own private firm, but that never stopped Ino and Naruto from being friends. In fact, both sides encouraged it. Naruto was rambunctious as a child, and Ino was sassy (as she was now), but somehow, the two made a good match for being best friends. Over the years, Naruto became less demanding about things that had to go his way, and Ino became more compassionate towards other people. It was a good balance, and it made every other person in their big school jealous._

_“Naruto!” a deep voice called out, and when Naruto turned around to see who it was, he was surprised, to say the least. A man in his thirties approached him, smiling proudly as he eyed the middle of the beach, where the bonfire was beginning._

_“Kakashi?” Naruto squeaked, nervous but curious about what his counsellor had to say about the event that he helped plan. “What are you doing here?”_

_“I was told to check out the venue when the bonfire started,” Kakashi ran his hand through his hair briefly as he spoke, “and it’s looking like things are going pretty well.”_

_“Yeah. Well, Ino’s pretty amazing.”_

_“I was talking about your part. You know, actually taking my advice and wanting to get involved.”_

_“Oh. Ha. Thanks, man,” Naruto chuckled, causing Kakashi to crack a smile himself._

_The two watched as laughter became louder, and music boomed from the speakers. Familiar faces began filling throughout the crowd, and Naruto took a step forward to begin mingling, but Kakashi cleared his throat in an attempt to start a conversation. Naruto looked at him, an eyebrow raised._

_“You met any of the new students yet?” Naruto asked when Kakashi didn’t say a word._

_“A few. It’s no surprise that there’s not that many for your year,” he answered, “since it’s senior year and everyone’s freaking out about their futures.”_

_“Why would people move to a different school if they know that, then?”_

_Kakashi shrugged, his expression hard to read. “Parents’ jobs. Family situations. Better education. Maybe they_ want _to move because their old schools were shitty in terms of people.”_

_“Is that common?” Naruto enquired curiously._

_“Definitely.” Kakashi’s eyes scanned the crowd of students who were just coming in, and they widened just a fraction at the faces of one of the students. “In fact, I think you should be friends with one of them.”_

_“What?” Naruto laughed, “No way. It’s senior year, everyone has their group of friends. Too bad for the new kids.”_

_“You were a new kid once, too.”_

_“Yeah,” Naruto agreed, “when I was in, like, kindergarten.”_

_“They could end up changing your life.”_

_“Then they will when they will,” Naruto replied, “but it doesn’t have to be now.”_

_With that, Kakashi gave him a look and patted him on the back before he left the venue, smirking. Naruto wanted to call him back to ask what he was thinking, but there was only a week before school started, which meant he should be spending it having fun and making more memories — not thinking about the things that were going to drive him up the wall in the next ten months. He walked towards Ino, who was laughing gleefully at the jokes the captain of the water polo team was telling her. The poor guy had been chasing after Ino since freshman year, which made Naruto want to chuckle, because it seemed apparent that he hadn’t figured out Ino’s game. Naruto tapped her on the shoulder when he stood next to her and he could visibly see the guy’s face drop at how close Ino and himself were._

_“Naruto! Where were you?” Ino chimed, giving him a hug._

_“Kakashi was talking to me,” Naruto answered and looked at the guy standing behind Ino, “how’s it goin’?”_

_“Was good until you came along,” he mumbled in reply, and Ino shot him a look._

_“Anyway,” Ino bubbled, “there’s a bunch of new kids here for you to make friends with.”_

_Naruto shot her a look, though admittedly, he was a little amused. “Are you and Kakashi in cahoots for making me talk to the new kids?”_

_“No,” she laughed, a sound that rang through the air around them, “it’s just always good to have new friends.”_

_“I have you, and Shikamaru, and everyone else,” Naruto replied, exasperated._

_“Trust me, Fishcakes,” Naruto cringed at her old nickname for him, “this’ll do you good.” Ino leaned in so that only he could hear, “Plus, I think this guy’s about to snap your neck if you don’t get away from me.”_

_Naruto chortled and playfully punched her shoulder before waving at her and taking his leave. He pushed his way through the crowd and greeted familiar faces, telling them to enjoy the party. Looking around, he tried to see if there was anyone who seemed uncomfortable — he figured that the new kids would be scared to make new friends, too — and surely enough, he saw three new faces. Two of them were guys and seated right next to each other. Watching from a distance, Naruto could eventually see one of them put his hand on the other’s knee, which surprised Naruto. Not that he had anything against people being gay, but he didn’t know he was somehow intruding on a couple’s spat, and had to witness them making up. The two guys left and immersed themselves within the crowd, which means there was one person left: a pink-haired girl who was scrolling through her phone, looking up at her surroundings every now and then. She touched her hair whenever anyone got close to her, and tucked a lock of hair behind her ear, but would absentmindedly push all her hair to one side when they walked right past her. Feeling somewhat sorry for her, Naruto sauntered on over to her, and surely enough, she could sense him, and she tucked a lock of hair behind her ear before she looked up at him, with eyes so green, that Naruto was sure a small chill ran up his spine. He offered her a warm smile, and she returned it with a shy one._

_“Hey,” she said, “who are you?”_

_Looking at her face for just a few seconds, Naruto decided she was someone who actually wasn’t shy, but she just didn’t know how to make friends. Figures. “Whoever you want me to be.”_

_“What?” she laughed, a sound that rang through his ears even more than Ino’s laugh did._

_“I saw it on a TV show once,” he chuckled, “I thought the guy who said that was so cool.” He watched her face again and she visibly relaxed at his presence. Of course, Naruto knew he had that effect on people; that’s why he was mostly friends with everyone in his year. “So you’ve been sitting here this whole time, and no one’s said hi to you?”_

_“Well, a few people did,” she answered pensively, “but they seemed a little creepy.”_

_Naruto chuckled. “Man, those guys don’t know how to talk to people.”_

_“You know them?”_

_“I’ve been going to school with these people since I was like, five,” he replied humorously, “I don’t even have to know what they look like to know who you’re talking about.”_

_The girl smiled and put her phone away._ Success _, Naruto thought. He turned his body slightly and they both watched the party around them. He noticed her eyes seemed to hold a spark to them when she watched people dancing, bumping against each other and grinding on each other. Naruto always thought it was funny (and maybe a little bit hot) when he saw how people seemed so comfortable dancing the way they did. Maybe he was more self-conscious than he thought, because the girl before him was subconsciously tapping her foot to the beat. A lock of her pink hair fell from behind her shoulder, and Naruto thought it was quite possibly one of the most beautiful things about her._

_“So why’d you move here?” he asked, genuinely taking an interest in her now._

_“My parents wanted a change of scenery.”_

_“Did you?”_

_Pausing before she answered, she smiled and looked at him again, her expression unreadable. “No,” she enunciated, “but I was told that it’s never good to stay in one place your entire life.”_

_Naruto watched as her face fell from the bright smile into a more subdued pondering. He was never the guy that anyone relied on for support, unless it was Ino, because he never knew what to say. All he could do was stand there and listen to them rant about their problems, but when she didn’t elaborate further and didn’t even look at him, Naruto started to feel restless, like somehow, he might be doing something wrong._

_“I’m Naruto,” he offered, “what’s your name?”_

_Peering at his face, the girl ran her hand through her hair and pushed back her much-too-long bangs. She flashed him a kind smile, one that was kinder that Ino’s, and Naruto swore his heart was pulling him down a road he didn’t think he would ever go down._

_“Sakura.”_

* * *

 

After subjecting himself to nights filled with coffee runs and memorising murder cases, divorce cases, and federal cases, Naruto graduated from his law school as one of the top one hundred students. Granted, he was the hundredth one, but his parents were elated when they were notified. “I knew you could do it!”, they exclaimed before throwing him a large party filled with all his favorite foods. Even with his law degree, Naruto still didn’t feel motivated to practice the law, to want to find justice, just like he wrote in his personal essays and personal statements that got him accepted into these schools in the first place. After the celebrations and congratulations were in order, Naruto sat with his parents and firmly asserted his freedom by informing them that he _still_ wanted to be an actor. Although it took a little bit of convincing and maybe a fair bit of yelling on his mother’s part, the Uzumaki family finally calmed down and Naruto relished in the words his parents uttered: “We will support you no matter what.”

Traveling to his girlfriend’s place was always his favorite part of the day, after auditioning or after shooting for films or TV shows that would air within the next year. He may have an understudy, and he may get god-like treatment from his agent and the people he worked with, but Naruto was always sure to not let it get to his head. With each year that passed, he became more and more renowned amongst audience members, and it was starting to look like he couldn’t walk into town without _some_ form of a disguise. Which is why he was walking in the city with a cap and a pair of sunglasses on. It was a warm day, which meant he could wear his cotton t-shirts, which his girlfriend hated. She wanted him to dress more sophisticatedly, but ultimately, she knew Naruto was too stubborn to do _anything_ about his fashion sense. “You dress like you’re white,” she had told him once, to which he replied, “I _am_ white-skinned”. She had scowled then, because his cleverness always brought about jokes that she tried so hard not to find funny. He chuckled and continued to tease her, to which she ignored him and sulked for the remainder of the day.

Veering up to a junction near the main part of the city, Naruto quickly walked to the apartment building behind the city’s most famous bakery, which of course, was one of the most expensive residences in the entire area. Nodding his head at the guard who monitored guests, Naruto pulled his wallet from his pocket and swiped his key card against the scanner, and when it flashed green, Naruto felt like he was coming home.

“Tell Ms. Haruno I said hello to her today,” the guard chimed in as Naruto walked away from the lobby.

“Will do, Miyagi!” Naruto responded and smiled to himself. _Everyone_ loved Sakura.

As he rode the elevator to the tenth floor, his view overlooked the city and the people walking underneath him, and he never understood why people hated the city. For people who grew up on the beach like he did, it was refreshing to always have something to do, to always have somewhere to go. There were days when he felt restless, and maybe that just meant he was morphing more and more into a person that belonged in the city, because as far as he knew, Sakura was so accustomed to the city that it puzzled her when people were excited to move there. She once told him that perhaps, it was the “magic” of the city, that whoever spent their lives not knowing what it was like, would come to it, and fall in love with it. He figured she was probably right, since that’s exactly how he fell in love with it, and how he fell in love with her.

In his hand, he held a leather bag filled with clothes that she had left at his place. She was mostly organized, but when she was stressed, she tended to leave things with him and they laid around his house until he finally figured out that these pastel clothes were not his. Along with her clothes was his laptop, which was filled with movies and TV shows that they watched together. Naturally, he kept a charger at her apartment, because he was too lazy to bring his to and fro. She was also much better with electronics than he was, and she knew which wires went where. They seemed to fit pretty perfectly, or so everyone thought. When they met in high school, they didn’t start dating immediately. They were friends, and even though Naruto always had a soft spot for her, she wasn’t sure she returned those feelings until the final year of university, when he contacted her to ask her how she had been doing. They were on opposite sides of where they went to school together, and even though so many of his friends told him it was just about _impossible_ to date freaking Sakura Haruno because she was so smart and so beautiful, Naruto still held out hope. That was more his thing, he supposed: holding out hope for something that people thought was impossible. Now, at twenty-eight years old, she and him had nourished a friendship that was natural, and cultivated a romantic relationship that both of them felt was the only logical explanation for how drawn they had always felt towards one another.

As the elevator arrived on the tenth floor, Naruto’s phone started to ring. Glancing at the screen to see who it was, he smirked and answered, his voice teasing.

“You couldn’t even wait for me to knock on the door?” he chuckled.

“You’re ten minutes late!” Sakura scolded on the phone, her voice loud, as usual.

“It’s only ten minutes, Princess.”

“I told you to stop calling me that,” she groaned, though playfully.

“I only do it because I love pestering you,” Naruto chuckled as he walked towards the end of the hall to her door.

“I know,” she said quietly, but he knew she was smiling. “Okay, I’ll wait at the door.”

“I’m already here,” he replied, but she had already hung up.

Ringing the doorbell, Naruto wasn’t even fazed when Sakura immediately opened the door, a mock-pout on her face. Making himself at home, he leaned down to kiss her forehead and walked past her, setting the leather bag on the table Sakura kept next to the door. He pulled his laptop from the bag and took off his cap and sunglasses. She closed the door behind her and walked towards the kitchen, humming a tune Naruto knew was the theme song of the most recent sitcom he had been appearing on. Reaching towards a cabinet above her head, Sakura pulled out two wine glasses and set them on the counter. Meandering about the kitchen was her business, and she never let Naruto help, because the last time she did, he accidentally broke two plates and a mug, and even though he apologised profusely and even cleaned up the mess, Sakura still won’t allow him back in the kitchen if it’s to do anything other than wash his hands after dinner. While she poured red wine into their glasses, Naruto sat on her leather couch in front of the TV, and sighed.

 _Shit,_ he thought, _I forgot which wire connected my laptop to her TV._

“Are you connecting your laptop to the TV?” Sakura called from the kitchen.

“Uh,” Naruto panicked, “yeah! But, I forget which wire —“

“Jeez,” she sighed, exasperated, “you _always_ forget which wire it is. Want me to do it?”

“Nah, just tell me which wire it is.”

“It’s the only black one on the floor.”

With how many times they’ve watched movies on his laptop in the entire time they’ve been together, Naruto would think that he was an expert on how things in her apartment worked. Yet, he always seemed to muck up anything he touched. In the beginning, when they first started getting serious and spending a lot of time at her apartment, Sakura would grit her teeth and try not to get too angry, but now that they were together a long time, she seemed to have accepted it as being part of his personality. They were both impatient, but of the two, Naruto was definitely the patient one.

“So what’re we watching today?” she asked as she sat beside him, setting the wine glasses in front of them on the coffee table.

“Something you need to see!” Naruto grinned as he turned on the TV.

“Is it _Full House_? Because if it is, I’m already on season five.” At her own words, Sakura’s eyes widened. “Ah, I’m so sorry, Naruto! I was gonna tell you that I watched without you but I didn’t wanna —“

“It’s okay, and no, that’s not what we’re watching.”

“Then?”

Naruto watched as Sakura turned her eyes to the TV and read the words _In a galaxy, far, far away_ , and couldn’t help but smile. For years, Naruto vowed to make sure that Sakura watched all the Star Wars movies with him, because it was one of the most important things to him. It was a large franchise, so Naruto had always wondered how she’d never seen it, especially because she lived in the city for most of her life. He settled into the couch and put his arm around her, her head resting snugly into him.

“Dim lights.” Sakura said suddenly, and as Naruto began to move, she laid a hand on his stomach. “No, silly,” she laughed, and suddenly, the lights were dimming by themselves.

“Voice command?” Naruto asked excitedly.

“Yeah,” she replied with her eyes fixated on the screen, “Sasuke helped me set it up.”

“ _Sasuke_ helped you? _That_ guy?”

“What’s wrong with Sasuke?” Sakura said, her voice surprised.

“He dated Ino.”

“And?”

“And he had a huge crush on you.”

“In high school.”

“ _Still_ ,” Naruto sulked, sighing as he settled back into the couch.

The first few minutes of the movie, Sakura was quiet. He knew he was being a little petty, but he was incredibly protective of her, because he knew exactly what guys thought of her, back in high school, and even now. The reason he didn’t bring her to any of his premiers was because he wanted to shield her from the paparazzi. It’s not like he didn’t think she couldn’t handle it, but his overprotective nature always kicked in when it came to her. It’s not like he didn’t trust her either, because Sakura was, and is still, the most loyal girlfriend Naruto had ever had. She was a strong believer of monogamy, which was rare in this day and age, especially for celebrities like Naruto.

“Does it really bother you that he helped me?” Sakura whispered.

In the five years that they had been dating, there were boundaries that Naruto had set with Sakura, but there weren’t a lot. One of their boundaries was Sasuke, unfortunately, because he and Naruto were friends throughout high school. That was, of course, until Sasuke hit puberty early, and became popular. Naruto had classified it as growing apart, though it still kind of hurt when he thought about how close they used to be. He sighed and smiled at her, reassuring her that it was all okay. Keeping secrets from each other was an obvious taboo, but he figured this wasn’t _really_ a secret.

“Oh,” Naruto recalled, “Miyagi said hi.”

Sakura snorted, amused. “And you’re okay with _him_ coming near me?”

“Yes,” Naruto laughed, “because he’s doing his job and protecting the building and its residents. Which means protecting you.”

Eventually, their conversation died out as they focused on the TV before them. Naruto watched for Sakura’s reactions, and they started out as tame, and maybe even a little uninterested. About an hour into the movie, Sakura stopped snuggling into Naruto, and he felt a sense of satisfaction and as though he had executed a mission successfully. They got through only two of the movies before he heard her stomach growl. He kissed her cheek and chuckled, turning off the TV.

“Wanna go grab a bite?”

“What’d you have in mind?”

“Pizza?”

“Too cheesy,” Sakura yawned.

“Pasta?”

“What did I _just_ say?” she laughed and pressed his hand to her face.

In dimmed lighting, people always say that things are more romantic, and more intimate. When Naruto leaned forward, she didn’t move. Her eyes watched his every move, and Naruto felt as though he could never get tired of her, of this relationship with her. He rubbed her cheekbone with his thumb and leaned forward, forcing them to be close enough that their noses touched. She let out a breath of air and began to giggle, and he smiled. When he first began dating her, he always pressed his mouth to hers, but would wait for her to kiss him. Admittedly, he merely wanted to be cute with her, and she fell for it each time, even now, five years later. Whenever he looked at her, he felt as though he was steady, like the mere sight of her could make his heart still.

“Why are you always this nice to me?” she whispered, touching his cheek.

“Because,” he murmured, “I don’t want you to be afraid anymore.”

With his kind words, Sakura’s eyes brimmed with tears, but she smiled and gave in to his touches, to his mouth, to the soft words he whispered to her. Seeing her smile always made his heart feel full, and even though he has made mistakes in the past, he knows that with her, he can always be better. He can always improve himself, and maybe that was the secret to happy relationships — to always be with someone that can make you want to improve yourself. She sniffled every now and then, and as a response, Naruto kissed her harder, longer, and he felt his heart swell up when her hands pawed at his shoulders, at his back, at his thighs.

Maybe she was his home.

A few hours later, they were in her bedroom, half asleep. Of all the things they did in bed, this was definitely Naruto’s second favorite thing — Sakura wearing his shirts that were too big for her, but seemed to suit her all the same. Her soft hair messy from laying around with him, her eyes half-lidded and her demeanour absent-minded as she stroked his face. Naruto found that she never took her eyes off his face during these moments, and even though they were so close, he wanted to be closer to her. Naruto was never good at explaining things like fate, but ever since he met Sakura, he felt as though he _knew_ her, like she was someone he might have fallen in love with in a past life.

“It’s getting late,” she whispered and Naruto hummed in affirmation, “do you want to stay the night?”

“You know I’d never say no to that,” he chuckled, “but I have work in the morning.”

“Okay,” she replied, moving to get out of bed. Naruto watched her take off his shirt and lay it on the bed. She was absolutely naked, her soft skin visible even in the dark. He let out a sigh of yearning. _What if I could wake up to this every morning?_ he asked himself. He felt as though maybe, that wasn’t such a crazy thought — maybe it made _sense_ to want that.

“Come to think of it,” he began, “I hate coming here all the time, and then having to go back home.”

“Yeah,” Sakura hummed, “but you don’t really have a choice. You live twenty minutes away from here, after all.” Brushing her fingers through her hair, Sakura reached for the bed lamp and turned it to low light, so they wouldn’t hurt their eyes. “You could always find an apartment that’s closer, so you don’t have to worry about traveling late at night.”

“I _could_ do that,” Naruto said slowly, “or… maybe there’s other options?”

Sakura put on a sweater he gave her and looked at him, an eyebrow raised in curiosity. “Well, what’re the other options?”

“I could get an apartment close by,” Naruto enunciated, “or, I could, you know.”

“No,” Sakura replied, “I don’t know. What is it?”

Taking a deep breath, Naruto made sure to make his tone playful. He didn’t know if Sakura loved him as much as he loved her, though he knew that that was a stupid thing to insinuate, and could potentially start a pointless fight. God knows how many of _those_ they’ve already had. Smiling at her, Naruto chose his words carefully, watching her reaction.

“What if I lived here?”

It was silent. Perhaps the most silent that Naruto has ever witnessed coming from her. She didn’t move an inch, and she merely stared at him. _If this was a_ movie, Naruto thought, _you’d think that the movie froze because no one is freaking moving_. When Sakura opened her mouth, she would close it again, and this continued several times as Naruto waited patiently for her to just _say_ something. He held his breath for what felt like minutes, and realistically, it probably _was_ a few minutes before Sakura let out a sharp breath, her eyes wide.

“Are you asking me to move in with you?”

He nodded.

“In here? This apartment?”

“What better place than where we spend most of our nights?”

“We never go to your apartment,” she said quietly.

“That’s because of the paparazzi.”

“Still,” she said slowly, “you really want to move in with me?”

“Sakura,” he said, moving closer to her, “everyday when I wake up, the first thing I think of is you and what you’re doing, and every night when I go to sleep, I think about you getting ready for bed, and I think about whether you’re comfortable in bed without me beside you.”

“I mean…” she began, “…it’s not like I’m comfortable, I just.” she watched his face and he knew she was searching for signs of hesitance, of uncertainty, but he knew she would find none. He was never more sure of anything in his life, other than the fact that he was sure that it was fate that brought her to him. “This’ll change everything, you know?”

“What secrets do you think you’re hiding from me?” Naruto asked teasingly.

“Not that I’m hiding anything, but Naruto, if you move in with me, you see the ugly side of me.”

“What are you talking about?”

“When I lose it, I really lose it, I can’t control myself and maybe I’ll start blaming you for —“

“You’ve never done that,” Naruto replied calmly, knowing that she was referring to her ‘mood swings’, as she referred to them.

“That’s because I’ve been very careful,” she said as-matter-of-factly, “but what if I hurt you —“

“If you don’t want to move in with me, you can just say so.”

His heart felt hollow when Sakura stayed silent, her expression anxious. Perhaps it had been too soon, perhaps he loved her much more than she loved him, but whatever it was, Naruto knew that maybe, he had made another mistake that he didn’t think he could make. Bracing himself for the worst, Naruto was surprised when Sakura’s sigh sounded less anxious than he thought it would.

“Yes.”

“What?” Naruto asked, blinking rapidly.

“Yes,” Sakura said again, smiling, “I’ll move in with you.”

That night, they spent hours kissing, touching, and laughing. Naruto never went home to get a fresh change of clothes, and he didn’t care that he had work in the morning, since it was closer to go there from Sakura’s — _their_ — apartment anyway. All he cared about was that he could feel her heart in his hand, and he vowed to never clench his hand too tight around the very thing she found most difficult to give away.

Of course, Naruto was more than ecstatic that she gave it to _him_. 

* * *

 Within the next month, Naruto had moved out all of his belongings — which, admittedly, wasn’t a lot — to Sakura’s apartment. She even made more space for him to put his things, whole cabinets and drawers and even two of his own closets! Never once stopping to doubt him, Sakura helped organise his possessions, and they quarrelled for that for a little while before one of them gave in and let the other do whatever they wanted to do. A lot of the time, Naruto just let Sakura organise their home the way she wanted, because he knew otherwise, she wouldn’t stop bickering with him about it. 

During one of the weekends they were both free, Naruto was cleaning out one of her closets when he pulled out a pair of ballet shoes. He smiled as he held them, remembering how she always seemed to flow naturally along to music, like the first night he met her.

“Sakura-chan?” he called out to her from their bedroom. “I found your ballet shoes, do you want to keep them?”

When no response came, Naruto sighed and walked towards the kitchen to find that Sakura was holding two mugs, her expression confused. A little puzzled, Naruto tried to make light of the situation, because the last thing either of them needed was to be stressed during a new move.

“I think those go on the shelf, babe,” Naruto chuckled, but it didn’t seem like she heard him, despite the fact that he was standing right in front of her. “Sakura-chan? Did you hear me?”

It took a few seconds, but the pink-haired woman finally looked at her concerned boyfriend, and he had to admit that he felt quite uneasy because she was wearing an expression that he _knew_ it meant she was freaking out. He started to open his mouth, to begin reassuring her, to comfort her, but she beat him to the punch and began speaking rapidly.

“Ican’tfigureoutwhereIputthoseotherglassesthat —“

“Babe,” Naruto said, raising his hands as an attempt to show comfort, “calm down. Breathe. Take deep breaths.” As though demonstrating to her, Naruto began inhaling through his mouth and exhaling through his nose. Sakura watched him, and mimicked him, eventually calming her down and making her set the mugs on the kitchen counter before her. Resting her hands against the counter, she sighed.

“What’s wrong?” Naruto asked slowly.

“I can’t remember where I put those glasses we use for tea.”

“For tea? You mean teacups?” Naruto asked, confused, “Shouldn’t they be in the china cabinet in the dining room?”

“No, no,” Sakura retorted, “I moved those, and now I can’t find them. The china cabinet is empty.”

Having been together for five years, Naruto knew when to look for signs of anxiety from her. He had been to therapy with her, and was informed in private that he should look out for her, in case something were to happen to her. Of course, protecting her from herself was only a small reason he stayed with her. He knew that he loved her, and that he would do anything to support her. When he began going to therapy with her, he was warned that there might be times where she eventually tries to shut him out, and that he needs to prepare for it. Naruto knew that when Sakura started misplacing things, it was because there were things going on at work. Then again, she was a social worker, which meant there was _always_ something going on at work. _Then_ , Naruto thought _, it must be one of the more serious cases this time_. Carefully, Naruto took a few steps towards the dining room to look at the china cabinet, to see that it was _filled_ with teacups, intricate and simple designs painted onto them alike. Closing his eyes briefly, he figured he had to think of a plan to distract Sakura while he pretended he found those teacups in a box that would “magically” appear from their storage closet. 

“That’s pretty weird that it’s empty,” Naruto said slowly, “but maybe I’ll look for them?”

“But, what if you can’t find them?”

“I’m pretty good at finding lost items. Don’t worry about it.”

“But —“

“Sakura-chan,” Naruto said sternly, “just relax, okay? How about you go get us some cinnamon buns?”

Sakura’s expression changed from anxious to curious. Her smile spread across her face and Naruto thought again, about how he would never tire of her antics.

“From the bakery?”

“The most famous one here,” Naruto chuckled. “But are you okay?”

Tucking a lock of hair behind her ear, Sakura shrugged. She furrowed her brow and stared at Naruto, pursing her lips as her thoughts percolated, and Naruto thought that perhaps, she was trying to communicate something about going back to therapy, but it never came. Instead, she stared at him, as though she was reviewing for a chemistry exam and needed to memorise all the symbols for the elements. Finally, she sighed. “I’m sorry,” she confessed, “I’m just really annoyed that I can’t remember where I put those teacups.”

Tightening his jaw, Naruto remembered what her therapist had told him; that she will have times where her memory lapses and she can’t seem to remember the simplest of things, and that she will get frustrated. The most important thing to _not_ do was insinuate in any way that her memory was off. That would make her even more anxious, and potentially cause her to disassociate, if she became accustomed to that level of anxiety. Instead, Naruto gave her a reassuring smile and walked towards their front door.

“It’s okay,” he told her, “I’ll go and find them, and if I can’t, I am sure you will remember later.” He pulled open the front door for her and she smiled, giving him a peck on the lips before she grabbed her wallet and walked towards the elevator. She waved at him and smiled her wide grin, and Naruto was scared to admit that on some days, he wasn’t sure who she was. Even so, he waved back and returned her smile with one of his own, closing the door behind him. Walking towards their storage closet, Naruto sighed. _I know how to be a boyfriend_ , he told himself, and yet, he found that sometimes, Sakura seemed afraid to trust him with the most private of her thoughts. She would let him look at her the way he did, with such love and affection and happiness, but she sometimes wouldn’t let him completely in. If she thought he was lying to her, she would distance herself, and he was forced to _ask_ himself if he had, whether he realised it or not, given her a reason to not trust him. He knew it wasn’t her fault for being so distrustful, but he also knew he was trying his best. Then again, he understood that Sakura was trying her best, too. He knew that he was, and still is, the closest person to her, apart from her closest friends. Even with them, Naruto knew she kept secrets.

In the ample time he had, Naruto came up with a story to tell her about the teacups and where he found them, as he packed them carefully into a box, making sure not to crack any of them. He was about halfway done with the cabinet when he heard the front door open. _Shit_ , he thought, his mind going haywire at the thought that Sakura might find him lugging all the teacups into a box.

“Naruto?” she called out, and he could hear her setting a paper bag onto the kitchen counter.

“Yeah,” he replied, “give me a second. That was quick!” he said as he hid the box under the dining table.

“I know!” Sakura laughed. “It turns out, they hired more employees because they were getting a lotta customers, isn’t that great?”

“That’s fucking wonderful, babe!” Naruto exclaimed as he entered the kitchen, hugging her tight. “What else did you get? Did you get a lot?”

“I got some patisseries I know you love, and also some brownies.”

“You mind if I get a plate?”

Sakura laughed, and Naruto couldn’t help but hope that he could hear it more often, even with what was going on with her. “Yeah, just go for the normal ones we use on movie night.”

“ _Every_ night is movie night for us,” Naruto chuckled, to which Sakura playfully punched him in the shoulder.

Throughout the rest of the day, Sakura stayed in their bedroom, cleaning out her old things, while Naruto had to ‘mysteriously’ bring out the teacups, and making it seem like they showed up out of nowhere. He could hear the thuds of her feet against the wooden floor and Sakura sighing before she threw something into a trash bag. Hurriedly, he grabbed the box full of her teacups and brought it to their bedroom. When he stood in the doorway, he patiently waited for her to look up from clearing out the drawers.

“You know,” she said absent-mindedly, “I have so much _shit_. Why didn’t you ever tell me to throw any of it away?” She rummaged through the drawer for a good minute before she noticed Naruto hadn’t said a word. She looked up at him, curious, and he could see the spark return to her eyes when she acknowledged the box he was holding. “Oh my god,” she beamed, “is that what I think it is?”

“Yes, Princess,” he replied, his voice booming, “all your teacups for when the Queen arrives have been found.”

She seemed to ignore his teasing and instead, planted a wet kiss on his cheek. Humming as she took the box from him, she walked straight to the dining room to the china cabinet, Naruto following suit. Wordlessly, he offered to help her, and for once, she allowed him, and maybe it was the fact that he had cheered her up, though not in the way he would've liked to, but the image of them putting away china teacups together wasn’t something he would've wanted to do when he was just a few years younger. They smiled and laughed as they organised their new home, getting rid of old, worn out things, and replacing it with newer ones, calling it a possession that belonged to them _both_. Before long, they started to get hungry, and Naruto brought the plate full of desserts to their bedroom, his goofy grin plastered on his face. He sat at the foot of the bed and Sakura rolled her eyes at him and the fact that he was _already_ taking advantage of the fact that they lived together; now he could bring food into bed, apparently.

“I never said okay to that,” Sakura sighed.

“But you’re not saying ‘no’ to it,” Naruto teased.

“That’s true, but what if crumbs get everywhere?”

“Then I’ll clean it.”

“You suck at cleaning.”

“Not as much as you think. My mom did teach me a few tricks after I graduated from law school, y’know.”

Giving in, Sakura reached for a brownie and they sat in silence as they ate, but Naruto’s mind was on her. He was _constantly_ thinking about her, about her wellbeing. Even when she smiled and said that it was okay, he wondered if it really was okay. From his experience (and when he thinks of his experience, he thinks of all the things Ino has advised him about), if a girl _generally_ said she was okay, it might mean the opposite. If things were okay, how did he know? Or if they weren’t, how would he know how to fix that? More than anything, he wanted to ask her what was wrong, what was bothering her, but he knew he might be overstepping a boundary, because there were times when Sakura refused to tell him anything. When they first started dating and this occurred, he’d write down what he wanted to ask on a piece of paper so that he remembered to ask her about it. That method always used to seem to work, but the more serious they got, the less it did. He had to wonder if things were changing for her.

“About today,” Sakura began, which startled Naruto. He never thought she would bring it up, because she was so used to bottling things up. Of course, it wasn't healthy, but it took Sakura quite a long time to realise that, and maybe this was the starting point of her acting upon it, “I’m sorry.”

“What’re you sorry for?”

She hummed. “Well,” she tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. _Nervous_ , Naruto thought, “for starter’s, for lashing out the way I did.” Hearing the words come out of her mouth, Naruto wasn’t sure what his reaction should be. Watching the way she avoided his gaze, he felt like he was an outsider looking in on something he really needed. “Secondly,” she continued, “for not trusting you more.”

“You’re admitting you don’t trust me enough?” he asked, his voice hitching at the idea that Sakura was finally acknowledging her problem.

“I know that at times,” she enunciated carefully, “I blame myself for things and I also blame you for things. It’s not healthy, and I know that I could be better.” She paused and looked at him, and Naruto’s heart settled into his chest, the way it did every time he was reminded that _this_ was where he was supposed to be. “I know that I could stand to trust you more, and it’s just that today… I was really frustrated when I couldn’t find those teacups.”

“Sakura-chan,” Naruto whispered, “about those teacups… I lied to you.” Naruto felt his pulse quicken at his own words, but he understood that it wasn’t _easy_ for Sakura to tell him the truth when it came to trust. It was only fair that he tell her the truth, too. At least, he supposed so, anyway. He was her _boyfriend_ , which meant he was the person who was supposed to be most honest with her.

“What do you mean?” she mumbled.

Gulping, Naruto almost felt as though he was going to regret the following words that were about to come out of his mouth. He looked at her face, searching for any sign of distance, for a lick of her shutting him out. When he found none, he took a deep breath, and made sure he didn’t waver. “When you said they weren’t in the china cabinet… they actually were.”

A long silence followed and Naruto could see her face go from content to absolutely thwarted. She licked her lips and didn’t take her eyes off him, and it looked almost as though she was at a true loss for words. Keeping his eyes on her, he wanted to communicate to her that he would not waver, even if she did. Sitting up straight, he watched her, and surely enough, she eventually let out a hearty sigh, one that was as rough and as angry as a mother who had scolded her child one too many times.

“I’m _such_ an idiot,” she sputtered, “I can’t even do _one thing right_ anymore!”

“No,” Naruto said gently, “that’s not true.” Moving closer, he reached for a lock of her hair and pushed it behind her ear. “You are strong, and you are smart. Forgetting one or two things every once in a while doesn’t make you an idiot. It just means you’re human.”

“But why couldn’t I have had _another_ flaw? Like, I don’t know,” she pondered for a few seconds, “why couldn’t I have just been disorganized? And lose my notes and stuff during university?”

“Because it wouldn’t make you my Sakura-chan,” Naruto said encouragingly, “and you know that no matter what happens, no matter how many things you forget or how often you forget it, I am here to help you pick up the pieces.”

“But you won’t put them back together for me.”

“No,” he smiled, “I won’t. I’ll just hand you the pieces so you can put yourself back together. And I’ll be here the whole time.”

At his words of encouragement, Sakura leaned in for a kiss, and even though Naruto loved when she was affectionate, he could tell that she was still keeping something from him. He only hoped it was temporary, because the truth was that he couldn’t _stand_ the thought of her keeping secrets from him. It wasn’t how they did things. It wasn’t how they worked as couple. Even when she looked at him, he could see that part of her spark was missing, the one that he loved so much. He wanted to ask her everything, wanted to know her heart like she knew his, but she never picked up on that, and merely went about her days as though she didn’t share them with him.

It _definitely_ made him feel like an outsider.

During the following two weeks, Sakura’s eating habits had drastically changed, which Naruto only noticed when he was about to make dinner one night, and saw that the fridge was empty. There were no ingredients, much less any snacks. He was pretty busy throughout the day, especially since he was progressively becoming well-known in the media, so when he found that Sakura, the person who always made sure they were eating right, hadn’t placed _some_ food in the fridge, it was definitely a warning of sorts. He sighed and dialled the number for their favorite Italian restaurant, because at this point, takeout was better than a home-cooked meal. _She’s late today_ , he thought after he hung up and checked the time. The only reason she was ever late, according to him, was because she was working hard on a case. Even then, she would leave a text, or she would call.

Much to Naruto’s anxiety, she hadn’t been acting like herself at all, since the night he basically told her that her forgetfulness was beginning to take a toll on her.

 _Was it my fault? Is she avoiding me because of what I said?_ he thought, his mind racing at the possibilities he hoped wouldn't be true. When she was growing up, she moved around all over the place, and hardly had any time to make permanent friends, so in the end, she had only a few close friends she could rely on. Of course, she had Naruto, as well, but she was so good at pretending like she didn’t need help that everyone used to believe she was completely stable. Not only did she have few friends, but her parents were distant from her and as an only child whose parents’ expectations exceeded the norm, she became skilled at working until she cracked. Sakura was certainly different from her loving boyfriend, and everyone knew it.

When he heard the lock on the front door turn, he sat up straighter at the kitchen bar and made sure he had a smile on his face. If there was one thing that made Sakura’s day brighter, it was his wide grin. The door flew open and Sakura was carrying a box which might’ve made Naruto cock an eyebrow, if she didn’t look so ecstatic. Setting the box on the bar near him, she shut the door and walked over to him, crushing her lips hard against his. Naruto smiled and at the sensation, so did Sakura. She pulled back and her eyes were brighter than they had been in the last few years, and the storm in Naruto’s heart settled.

“You won’t _believe_ what happened at work!” she exclaimed, clapping her hands together.

“I’m going to guess you _didn’t_ get promoted?” he chuckled, his arm around her waist.

“Naruto,” she laughed, “I did! The promotion I was waiting for!”

“The one you were working your ass off for, for like, two years?”

“ _Yes_!”

She kissed him again and wrapped her arms around his neck, the little squeal from her lips making him want to tear up. _I’m so fucking glad_ , he thought to himself as he kissed her back and swept his thumb across her cheek.

“To celebrate,” Sakura whispered against his mouth, “how about we have the good wine?”

“You mean the wine we have _isn’t_ good?” he feigned shock.

“Idiot,” she giggled, “but, let’s get drunk tonight.”

“You want to drink? To celebrate?”

“Yeah? What’s wrong with that?”

Naruto hesitated but when she cocked her head, he shrugged off his worries and stood up, grabbing the wine as she grabbed the glasses. He listened to her talk about how nervous she had been when her boss called her into his office, and how she felt like crying when she first received the news. The first person she called was her mother, even though she wanted Naruto to be the first to know. “Telling you over the phone didn’t seem practical or fair,” she said, which was understandable enough. She went through four glasses of wine before her words started to slur, and when he tried to put her to bed, she pulled him on top of her and wouldn’t take her eyes off of him.

“Stay,” she mumbled against his neck.

“You need sleep,” he replied in earnest as he sighed against her hair.

“I need you _with_ me.” Adamant on her decision, she began touching his shoulders, and ran her hands down his back softly, whispering _I love you_ s as she kissed his jaw and rolled him over so that she could sit on him. She tasted like wine and Naruto feared he was getting even more addicted to her kisses and to her touches than he already was. He kissed her neck and her collarbone, and although he drank more wine than her, he _swore_ he was getting drunk off her skin and her panting as she rocked against him. Pressing her forehead against his, she looked him straight in the eye and the words that came from her mouth made his throat choke up in swallowed sobs. _God, she’s so beautiful._

_I love her so much. I love her so fucking much._


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ch 2 of the angstiest thing i've ever written
> 
> kudos/comments are so appreciated, babes

Therapy was becoming a constant for Sakura ever since she got promoted, and Naruto wasn’t sure if this was something he should be fine with, or something he should be concerned about. In the past, he was always informed that it was definitely a healthy sign if she voluntarily decided she needed to talk to someone, but knowing that she was someone who kept her feelings hidden meant that there were things she thought about that were incredibly ominous, especially whenever she became anxious. Despite the fact that her smiles were always warm, Naruto couldn't help but think that she was hiding something from him, especially whenever she would evade his questions about work. _It’s not really suspicious, since she can’t really tell me about confidential things_ , he would tell himself, but the notion still nagged at him. Often, whenever he had no work, he would sit at home and rearrange parts of their apartment, or pop in a movie and watch it as he mulled over the wellbeing of his girlfriend. Perhaps, she wasn’t really okay, and maybe _that_ was why she felt the need to _constantly_ meet with her therapist.

 _That’s not something I can complain about, if she’s getting help and wanting to be better_.

Naruto sighed as he sauntered into the kitchen after a particularly tiring day of modelling for Vanity Fair with the cast of his show. Growing up with parents who had travelled, he was well-versed in the language of alcohol, which meant that any wine he bought for Sakura and himself were only _the_ best ones. Whenever they ate dinner at restaurants, the pink-haired beauty before him would roll her eyes whenever he took too long to order a bottle, and even tried to hide a smirk when he would ask the waiter if they had a particularly obscure wine that they _obviously_ did not serve. Still, they would still try their best to please Naruto and politely tell him that they would check on the wine for him. She always told him that it had to do with the fact that he was getting famous to which he scowled. “That can’t be the only reason they’re nice to me,” he’d said, and she smiled at him so innocently that he began to question if that’s why he always got a free cinnamon bun whenever he stopped by the bakery downstairs.

Pouring himself a glass of white wine, he glanced towards the window and furrowed his brow at the fact that it was getting dark, and Sakura _still_ wasn’t home. Pulling out his phone, he quickly typed a message and sent it, hoping he would get a reply within the next five minutes, but nothing came. He’d gone through more than half the bottle when she finally came home, the door flying open as she panted, the worry lines on her face more prominent than usual when she was exhausted. Looking up at him, she smiled brightly, even though it didn’t touch her eyes. Naruto frowned.

“Hi,” she said.

“Hey,” he replied coolly, his eyes fixated on the top button of her shirt, which was undone. “You’re home late.”

“I know,” she sighed, “and I’m sorry, but this case turned out to be a lot more difficult than I thought, which means _more_ research has to be done, which means longer hours at the office.” She glanced at the glass in his hand and smiled again, and this time, it seemed a little more sincere. “I remember the night you bought that wine for the first time.”

“You do?”

“Yep,” she smiled as she took off her heels and grabbed a glass of her own, propping herself next to him at the kitchen bar. “You called me, saying your dad gave you a new recommendation and that you just _had_ to try it.”

Naruto chuckled, his fingers tucking her hair behind her ear. “Trust me to immediately do something whenever my dad suggests it.”

“It means you and him are close, it’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

“I remember how you came out in your PJ’s in the middle of the night, and you opened the door with that annoyed look on your face.” At the memory of her ruffled hair and her half-opened eyes, his heart warmed.

“You woke me up when I was so peacefully asleep.”

“I know,” he laughed, “but you have to admit, it’s pretty good. It was worth being woken up for.”

Sakura’s fingers touched the rim of her glass before she poured herself a drink. She let out a heavy sigh and took a sip, her face contorting in that way it always did whenever she had wine. Naruto knew, and it would be strange if he didn’t, that she _detested_ wine, because she said it spread to her body too slowly, which meant that she couldn’t get drunk that quickly. Watching her face, Naruto recalled when she would down shot after shot, especially during her university years, and every single time she got wasted, she would call him and say that she missed him. He never minded these phone calls, because she always sounded like she was smiling and the people around her were always her friends she made there. He’d tell her he missed her as well, and their phone calls would end with him reminding her to drink lots of fluids. Tilting his head, he wondered how on _earth_ the universe brought them together, because for the life of him, he couldn't understand. Naruto believed in fate, and being meant to meet certain people in his life. It meant that they had something to teach him, and when they first started out, he asked her if she believed in the same thing.

She had said yes, and looked him right in the eye when she did.

“Are you sure it’s okay to be drinking?” he whispered.

“What do you mean?” she replied, her voice perplexed.

Hesitating, Naruto cleared his throat and plastered a concerned smile onto his face. “You have work tomorrow, Sakura-chan. Maybe a hangover isn’t good for when you need to work hard.”

Already seemingly a little tipsy, Sakura leaned forward and kissed his lips. Feeling a stir in his heart, Naruto could taste vodka on her lips and grew apprehensive. It reminded him of the times she had shown up to his apartment before they got together, barely able to speak English or Japanese, her hair in disarray and smelling of cigarette smoke. When she pulled back, he saw that her eyes didn’t have the same spark they normally did. _Something’s happened_ , he thought. Setting down his glass, he held her face with both of his hands and kissed her forehead, calming her down and she fell forward into his chest, her shoulders limp and unmoving. It was a scene he hadn’t seen in years, but he still remembered it as clear as day. He looked her in the eye and saw the Sakura from five years ago, the heavy remorse that was trapped there and never founds its way out, even now.

 _Everyone wants to fuck me_ , she had cried, _but I can’t keep doing this_.

Although words weren’t exchanged between them, Naruto bent over and she climbed onto his back, her arms gently encircling his neck, her breaths faint and tired. Her head rested just slightly against his and when they reached the bedroom where Naruto set her down, Sakura chuckled. Taking off her shoes, he cocked an eyebrow at her, waiting for what was so funny. Spearmint eyes watched him softly, her lips curved slightly into a smile, and he _knew_ she was remembering something about when they were first dating. Sitting on the bed next to her, he bumped their shoulders together and listened to her laugh. Oftentimes when she got drunk, she completely relied on him and trusted him with her life, which was a given, but it always threw Naruto off how much he needed her to need _him_. Truthfully, ever since he met her, he felt like his world was shifted somehow, and was never able to place at what points in his life that she changed. Sakura never purposely hurt his feelings, and if she did say something hurtful every now and then, she always held herself accountable for it. One of the things that first made Naruto fall in love with her was the fact that she _knew_ she wasn’t perfect, and that she was only human and prone to make mistakes. She never regretted them, per se, but she always used them as motivation to make herself better. Although he never pushed her, there was always some kind of drive that made her want to change the way she looked at things.

“Do you remember our first winter together?” Sakura whispered, resting her head on his broad shoulder.

“When we started dating?”

She shook her head. “Our senior year, when our class went on that skiing trip.” Touching her hair, she smirked.

“Ah,” Naruto chuckled, “you were so distressed by the snow.”

“I didn’t think it was gonna be _that_ cold,” she mumbled, but her lips were set in a smile.

They sat still for a few minutes, the silence comfortable and familiar. Sakura turned her head to look at him, her eyes half-lidded and her mouth slightly parted. Sighing, she whispered, “I remember very clearly that you were very gentlemanly that day, and I still think about it a lot.”

“You do?”

“You don’t have something like that happen to you and not think about it.”

Staring back at her face, Naruto could see it just as clearly as she did; how her shoes weren’t built for snow of that caliber, or how she had shivered every now and then and had _insisted_ she was fine. Even back then, he felt compelled to take care of her, especially because in moments like those, she had been so reckless. Leaning forward, Naruto kissed the tip of her nose and smiled. “I remember you thought I was joking.”

“That’s because guys say stuff like that all the time and don’t mean it.”

“But I meant it.”

“I didn’t know you meant it until you were doing it,” Sakura laughed, “I mean, _come on_! Who’s going to believe a guy that offers to carry you because your feet are cold?”

Smiling, Naruto pulled her closer. “Sakura-chan, _I_ meant it!” Stroking her hair, he sighed. “Plus, I think before you met me, you were more used to guys who lied through their teeth. They all weren’t good enough for you, I hope you know.”

“And what,” Sakura said, “you were good enough for me at the time?”

Naruto paused, mulling it over as his arms wrapped around her waist. If there was one thing he knew about her back then, it was that she hated people who felt they were entitled to be in her life just because they did something nice for her only once or twice. A lot of the time, when his classmates would talk about how _gorgeous_ she was and how they wished she’d notice them, Naruto would think of ways to get closer to her, to know her, and to _ask_ her if he could love her. Truly, that brought him to grow so much, just at the thought of her.

“No,” he whispered, “but I _wanted_ to be good enough for you.”

Silent, Sakura settled into his hold and let out a soft sigh. Her fingers grazed his arm that was wrapped around her waist and ever so slightly, Naruto kissed her hair as he watched her hands. It was difficult to have nights like this lately, what with them both being busy with work and making a living. Nonetheless, they made time for each other, and even after five years of waking up to the same face, Naruto _never_ felt like he belonged anywhere else. Still, with work clearly taking a toll on Sakura, he had to wonder if she was dealing with it properly, or if she only claimed to be doing so.

“Sakura-chan,” Naruto whispered, “were you drinking after work today?”

Becoming rigid in his arms, Sakura didn’t answer. She tilted her head away from him and instantly, he knew she didn’t want him to find out. Pressing his forehead against her shoulder, he felt the weight of his heart and the tears began to well up. Before he could say a word, Sakura shook herself away from his arms and her expression was frantic.

“It was only a few shots.”

Naruto blinked the tears away, his throat threatening to betray him. “That’s not the point, and you know that.”

“I just needed a quick fix,” she whispered, her hand pushing a lock of hair behind her ear.

For just a moment, Naruto had never felt so much sadness. Holding his head in his hands, he mulled over what to say without upsetting her. When it got really bad, it was hard to keep down his frustration with her, and even though she always understood his feelings, he never understood why she didn’t see that he was _right before her_ , to support her, to love her, and of course, to tell her this very often.

“A quick fix is a phone call to your boyfriend who’s been worried _sick_ about you,” he spat, “not a fucking shot down your throat because you _still_ can’t bring yourself to be vulnerable with him.”

“What are you talking about?” she said, her voice quiet.

“Maybe back then, it was okay to have a quick fix,” he replied, standing up to face her, “but that’s not okay anymore because _you know_ what happens to you when you drink too much, and even more so when you _lie_ to me about it.”

Seeming to sober up a little, Sakura leaned against the ledge of the window, her arms crossed. “What is _that_ supposed to mean, Naruto?”

“It means,” he sighed, “I am trying so hard to support you.” Running his hand through his hair, he took a deep breath, because he knew that if he didn’t say this carefully, she wouldn’t ever consider the prospect that it was okay to be vulnerable. “I love you so much, and I don’t think you see how hard I am trying to _be_ there for you.”

Looking at the ground, Sakura’s breathing became more calm and her expression apologetic. Taking a step closer, Naruto reached out for her, his arms encircling her against his chest, but the uneasy feeling he had in his heart didn’t go away, no matter how tightly she wrapped her arms around his waist. Burying his face in her hair, he spoke again.

“Do you know how scared I get every time you drink without me?”

Sakura paused, her fingers clinging to his sweater. “Why? I don’t sleep around anymore, and I haven’t since we started dating.”

“That’s not the point,” Naruto said, “the point is that you used to smell of smoke and alcohol, and you’d come knocking on my door and cry about how all anyone wanted to do, was get in your pants.” She shifted in his arms, but Naruto didn’t budge. “And the nights that I _knew_ someone was in your pants, it drove me crazy, because he can’t touch you like that.”

“What…?”

“No one can touch you like that, because you don’t look at them.” Sakura’s shoulders slumped and he felt just the slightest sob from her. “They think they have you all figured out, just because you had a few drinks with them, but I loved you from the start, and they took advantage of the fact that you were sad and wanted to hurt yourself.”

A sniffle.

“I wanted to give you everything,” he whispered, “even if it made me tired. Even if it wasn’t good enough for you, and even if you didn’t love me as much as I love you.”

For what felt like hours, they stood in the dark, their arms and hands just touching, just feeling that the other person was still there. It was almost as though they were scared that the other would disappear if they didn’t hold on long enough. Finally, Sakura reacted to Naruto’s words of encouragement. “Okay,” she whispered, her voice breaking, “I’m sorry.” Tightening her grip around his waist, she spoke again, her voice much more broken and he could almost see the tear stains she was leaving on his sweater. “I’m so sorry.”

They stayed that way for quite some time, Naruto stroking her hair as she sobbed her apologies into his chest. He whispered to her that he loved her, and every time he did, she would soften even more and hold on even tighter. _What have we turned into?_ Naruto asked himself. He felt as though they were losing sight of who they were, but maybe that was part of being with somebody who was mentally ill — some days were harder than others, but he wanted to see her grow to love herself, to forgive herself, and most importantly, to trust herself. From the very beginning, he wanted to watch her grow into an even more amazing person, so deserving of happiness that she couldn’t seem to find. He felt it in his bones every time he saw her getting ready for work, or whenever she cooked breakfast on the weekends, or when she laughed at something she genuinely found funny, and especially when she would roll over in the morning and smile at him so contentedly.

“Naruto,” she whispered as he pulled the covers over them.

“Yes?”

Grazing his face with her hand, she smiled. “Are you happy with me?”

Without missing a heartbeat, he moved himself closer to her and grabbed her by the waist, tickling her. As she laughed, he pulled her on top of him, chuckling into her neck and then kissing there, making her dead silent. He inhaled the smell of her soap and shampoo, and moved his lips to her throat. When she hoisted herself up, his eyes softened.

“Yes,” he finally answered, “I am.”

* * *

 

“Do I _really_ have to do this?” Sakura whined at Naruto as he kissed her forehead, one of her ultimate weaknesses.

“Hey,” he replied, “you _promised_ me.”

“I said it as a joke! I didn’t think you’d _actually_ tell your producers to put me in this episode with you,” Sakura said exasperatedly, “and moreover, a _sex_ scene? _Really_?”

Naruto chuckled, feeling more at ease that she seemed to be back to her usual self, smiling and teasing. Reprimanding, even. The set of the show was hustling and bustling with the other actors and various makeup artists, and even the producers and the director of the show were having a good time laughing over a few cups of coffee before they had to start shooting.

“Well,” Naruto smiled, “it was either a sex scene or an awkward encounter with some other girl my character banged, and I’m _sure_ you don’t want the latter.”

Sighing, Sakura nodded and began walking towards his dressing room. Naruto waved at his co-stars as he followed her and he noted that their smiles were different than usual. It wasn’t exactly a secret in the media industry that he was dating Sakura, he made sure to always be open about it in his interviews, but it was still a little bit strange to see everyone reacting to their relationship in the way that they did. A lot of his actor friends always note how at ease he seems to be whenever Sakura is mentioned in an interview, or even when his fans ask about her. Thankfully, she has never been a serious target of cyber hate or anything of the sort, which made Naruto’s work stress _that_ much easier.

“So what exactly is my role today?” Sakura asked as she slipped into a skimpy black crop top, her toned stomach catching Naruto’s attention.

“My character is supposed to be going through his rebellious phase,” he replied, “and part of it is having one-night stands with women he meets on Tinder.”

Raising an eyebrow, Sakura couldn’t have looked more amused at the prospect that someone _Naruto_ was portraying was a womanizer, although she had been keeping track of this show since it first aired. They were both aware that within the entertainment industry, sometimes you had no choice but to take the assignment you were given and be the best at it. This was especially true of acting, and for Naruto, it was mostly a bunch of fun. Since Sakura’s job was entailed to help the less fortunate who needed guidance and help, he understood that he couldn’t just ask her to show him what it’s like to be a social worker. When they were together like this, it was easy to forget the weights they each carried on their shoulders.

“Okay, Ms. Haruno,” the director instructed, “when Naruto goes to stand under that canopy and checks his phone, _that’s_ your cue to come in.”

“Oh… okay,” Sakura replied hesitantly, her brow furrowed.

“I believe in you, babe,” Naruto winked, earning a glare from his director.

“Now is _not_ the time to be calling her babe! She’ll be fine!” With the hard-hitting words of the director, Sakura tried to hold back a laugh as she stared at Naruto, whose face was contorted out of confusion. _She’s not normally this stingy_ , he thought to himself as he took his position and got into character. From the corner of his eye, he could see Sakura take a deep breath as the director prepared to call for action, and as soon as he heard his cue, he closed his eyes and furrowed his brow, emulating the expression of a person who was, yet again, having meaningless sex. _I wonder if Sakura-chan looked like this back then,_ he thought idly, before reaching for the phone he was holding, waiting for Sakura to step in. He could hear the clacking of her heels against the fake pavement of the set, and he wanted to smile.

‘Ah,’ Sakura said, ‘you’re Yota, yes?’

Turning his head just the slightest bit, he gave her a coy smile and nodded. Whether she was naturally good at it or she learned from watching TV, Sakura’s acting was surprisingly natural. Perhaps she was demonstrating method acting, drawing from her own experiences and using that in order to refine the character she was currently playing. _If Sakura-chan had decided to be an actress, she could have done really well for herself_ , Naruto thought as he reached for her hand and walked through the set, the camera crew following them.

‘Do you want to get some drinks?’ she said.

‘Sure,’ Naruto replied coolly, ‘but I’m kind of new here, and I have no idea where to go.’

‘That’s okay,’ Sakura smiled, ‘I can be your tour guide!’

There were times that Naruto thought the script was _way_ too cheesy, especially in instances like this. It almost sounded like softcore porn that was waiting to happen, but maybe that was the point. He had never hooked up, therefore he never understood how people were able to make this kind of lifestyle not seem so cringeworthy. He never had the guts to ask Sakura herself, because obviously, it was a sensitive topic for both of them. What she did back then had nothing to do with her life with him now, and he knew that. Still, having to act like a womaniser who wanted nothing but sex was proving to be a huge challenge.

“Cut!” the director called, her expression pensive. “Okay, we’ll take a ten-minute break, and then I want to start shooting the scene that leads up to the sex, since we’re not actually showing these two sleeping together.”

Without a word, Naruto pulled Sakura’s hand towards the refreshments bar, and handed her a chilled bottle of water while he grabbed another. He kissed her forehead and quickly ran off to the director, all the while praising Sakura in his head at what an amazing job she did so far. Taking a sip from his own water, he waited for his turn at feedback. Turning his head, he could already see some of the staff members checking up on Sakura, which gave him a huge sense of relief. Generally, everyone loved her, even if they’d only met her a few times. Not only was she loved by his cast, but she was also a wonderful actress.

“Naruto,” the director called out, “for your next scene, I want you to be hasty.”

“You want me to be hasty?” he reiterated, confused.

“The only way people will believe it is if you move quickly with Sakura,” she said without looking at him, “because no one makes hooking up look romantic and affectionate unless they're in love with that person.”

“Right,” Naruto whispered, “got it.”

“Good,” she smiled, “everyone, we’re starting in five minutes!”

It wasn’t that Naruto was panicking, it was that he had to see his girlfriend in the way that most guys did back when she was reckless, and that made his heart hurt. They each recited their lines, and while Sakura was meant to be someone who was bubbly, he was meant to portray a man who saw no point in physical pleasures. Nonetheless, the director never called a recess and seemed to be intent on what was happening on set, which reassured Naruto that this was only temporary. It was their cue to start kissing as soon as he closed a door to an imaginary room, and when he grabbed Sakura’s waist, he made sure his hands worked quick. _Only a little bit longer_ , he thought, as his lips moved to the hollow of her neck and his hands ran up her sides.

With a hunger and fervour that was unfamiliar to his lips, he had to wonder if _this_ was what his Sakura-chan felt like every time someone she didn’t love would touch her, kiss her, caress her. Perhaps this was something she avoided telling him, but the whole point of hooking up with someone like this was that you had to do it with as much passion as you could, because it would dissipate as quickly as it came. It was too hasty, too emotionless, and as soon as he heard the word “cut”, he rested his head on Sakura’s shoulder, panting. Her fingers gently combed through his hair, and once again, he felt that they had returned to normal.

“Good job, guys,” the director praised them, “that’s a wrap for you guys. The next scene will be the next morning, when ‘Yota’ is back in his apartment.”

“You did well,” Sakura whispered, but her fingers never stopped soothing him, “and I’m proud of you.”

“That was so difficult… I’m so happy you were the one who filled this role,” he sighed.

Sakura chuckled, her voice soft. “But ‘Yota’ has a romantic interest.”

“‘Yota’ can’t win her over, though,” Naruto replied, “that’s one of the reasons why he starts sleeping around.”

She uttered no words and she merely continued stroking his head, but Naruto _knew_ just what she was thinking. Of course, she never told him out loud what she really thought of her hooking up, because it was the past and there was no reason to bring it up, even if he prompted her to. Sakura would always tell him that that lifestyle no longer mattered to her, even if it caused her anguish to remind him of that, sometimes. _Maybe I’m the one who’s overthinking it_ , he thought as he pulled away from her. The hustling and bustling of the crew preparing for the next scene meant that he had to prepare himself. Tilting her chin up, he pressed his lips to hers with enough pressure that he could almost hear her heart beating.

“Wait up for me at home,” he whispered, his voice deep, and without a word, Sakura nodded and left the set, her short, pink hair disappearing from his sight.

 _Only a few more hours_ , he thought.

* * *

 

 There were only a few lights on inside their apartment by the time Naruto got home, but nonetheless, he took a deep breath as he poured himself a glass of wine, his thoughts in disarray. Sakura was nowhere to be seen, which probably meant she was in the bathroom taking a bath. _I suddenly feel nervous_ , he thought, his hands making a fist every time he thought of her pale skin. Every day, he kissed her, and he touched her, but there was something about the way she kissed him today that made his stomach churn. More often than not, he was very gentle with her, and every now and then, he would succumb to her requests to be a little rougher, though he constantly worried that it was too much for her.

_Would she like it if I was the one who wanted to be a little harder, then?_

From their kitchen, he heard their bathroom door open and surely enough, Sakura stepped out with her hair damp from her bath, and her face fresh from the steam that followed her out. Her expression was unreadable but her eyes stayed on Naruto as he slowly moved across the room, his eyes moving up and down the silky, pastel sleep romper he bought for her birthday last year. Reminding himself to breathe, he couldn’t help but already picture her mouth falling open, and it made his stomach churn even more. All he _wanted_ was her. Her kisses, her bites, her skin, her screams — it was all swarming in his head that he was worried he might not be able to think straight. Sakura watched his movements through eager eyes, but she made no move to close the gap between them. Naruto smirked, knowing that _waiting_ for him to come closer was her secret weapon, especially because she loved to act innocent.

 _Not this time_.

Naruto stood before her when she opened her mouth and uttered his name, feigning concern. “Naruto —“

“Shut up.”

His hands reached for her lower back, and before she could say another word, he pushed her against the wall next to them, his mouth begging to taste her. With slow strokes, her fingers brushed his face, his neck, and entangled themselves in his hair, making him groan into her. Kissing her jaw, he moved to the hollow of her neck and the sigh she let out was shaky, and Naruto knew this was different than the other times he kissed her there. His hand moved to her lower stomach and she squirmed, making Naruto grin against her skin. Kissing behind her ear, Sakura closed her eyes and whispered his name. His kisses were harder, hungrier, and every time she opened her eyes, they were glazed over and her shallow breaths made his blood rush down south. As though she wanted to show a bit of fight in her, Sakura pushed Naruto back with her hands towards their bed, and because she had no idea what was coming her way, he let her think that this was how he wanted it.

“What do you want?” he panted as she pulled his shirt off. Planting her lips on his, she swept her tongue across his lower lip and bit there, her hands slowly moving to unbutton his pants. _No_ , Naruto thought, and without a second thought, he flipped her over and pressed himself between her legs. Sakura’s eyebrows shot up, clearly shocked. Using this as his in, Naruto’s fingers inched to her inner thigh, softly teasing her until she whined. He gulped, but he _definitely_ felt a sadistic streak coming on.

“Do you want it?” he whispered against her lips, to which she let out a breathy ‘yes’. Drawing in a deep breath, he kept his eyes on hers as his fingers continued to dance, continued to lightly touch her inner thigh until she drew in a sharp breath. Surely, it was to tell him to hurry up, but his eyes never wavered from hers, and before she could form the word she wanted to in her mouth, his hand squeezed the juncture where her inner thigh begins, making her jolt and her back arch slightly. Her hand twitched as she tried to fight the urge to cover her mouth. Naruto’s hand continued to stroke and to touch, even as his lips lowered to her chest and over the silk that covered her. Sakura groaned when his lips grazed over the nub that was _clearly_ protruding through the silk.

“Please,” Sakura whispered breathlessly.

Without a word, Naruto pulled down the straps from her shoulders and immediately began working at her breasts, kissing and sucking in places he knew drove her insane. His hand wandered back to her stomach, and he could feel her legs twitching at the loss of contact between them. He grinned as his hands pulled the romper lower to expose her stomach, but he kissed her naval and acted as though he was unaware of the effect that he was having on her. Already, her hand was entangling itself in his hair, her breathing more shallow now. Her eyes were directed to the ceiling and they were closed, and Naruto couldn’t help but think that her cheeks being flushed that way made her look radiant. He wanted her to _always_ look that way when they were like this. His lips sucked right near her hip bones and when he reached the top of her underwear band, he stopped.

“What the _fuck_ are you stopping for?” Sakura said exasperatedly, her hands flying to her face.

“Hmm,” Naruto responded calmly, “because you never actually told me what you want.” His hand inched back to her inner thigh, spreading it slightly more outward so the view in front of him was exposed. Granted, she was wearing black lace underwear, but he wanted nothing more than to tease her until she reached her breaking point.

“Do I _really_ have to tell you what I want,” Sakura gritted through her teeth, “after the five years we’ve been together?” Naruto didn’t say a word as he continued to touch her inner thigh, inching towards her underwear, waiting for her to say it. He knew she would say it, but it was only a matter of time before she stopped putting up walls and uttered the words he had been waiting for. Drawing in a deep breath, Sakura hoisted herself up on her elbows to face him, her eyes half-lidded. “What do _you_ want, Naruto?”

He smirked, his eyes suddenly dark and filled with the mental images of his girlfriend screaming and gripping the sheets. Moving his hand towards her underwear, he held her gaze and smiled devilishly, making Sakura’s breath hitch at the contact. “To fuck you,” he said calmly as his hand rubbed her slowly up and down.

Sakura’s mouth opened just enough for her to let out a small sigh, but the more he rubbed her, the more he was certain she was losing her mind. Somehow, this was awakening some kind of instinct in him, to watch her writhe like this before him was making even his brain short-circuit. But he wanted to focus, and when he pulled the romper off her to reveal merely her underwear, he sighed at how absolutely beautiful she looked. Leaning forward, he peppered her inner thigh with kisses before he began sucking and leaving marks, making her utter his name like it was the only word she knew.

His eyes moved to her underwear and he planted a light kiss to her clit, making Sakura groan out in frustration. He smiled and pressed his mouth there again, his hot breath hitting her wet spot through the fabric, making her hips buck up when his tongue dragged itself up and down. With her hand reaching for his hair once again, he took that as his cue to stop teasing so much. Slowly pulling her underwear off her, Naruto could see that her eyes were absolutely glazed over. _She’s completely gone_ , he thought to himself, as he shed the single piece of clothing and threw it to the floor. Laying on his stomach, he hoisted her legs over his shoulders and breathed against her, her wetness in plain view. For just a little bit more fun, he kissed the side of her lips and she jolted again. Without warning, his tongue moved torturously slow from her opening to her clit, and he clamped his lips softly over her sensitive spot and sucked. Sakura’s hands flew to cover her eyes, but her mouth fell open as her chest heaved. Naruto smirked as he ate her out, her legs shaking every now and then at the constant pressure he was putting to her vagina, his tongue entering her and then to wriggle just enough to make her squirm.

“More,” Sakura panted, and at her unraveling, Naruto raised her legs and continued to slowly lick his way until her moans became more frequent, and more vocalized. Just as her legs began quivering, Naruto pulled himself off her and without missing a beat, Sakura sat up and undid his pants, hastily removing them before he cupped her face in his hand, his eyes holding her still.

“Not yet,” Naruto whispered as Sakura reached for his boxers, his voice amused, “we still have a lot ahead of us.”

“You mean a lot for you,” Sakura said coyly.

“You mean you’re not enjoying it?” Naruto replied, his voice teasing. “Here I was, thinking I was going to ask you to do something for me.”

“Oh?” Sakura said, genuinely intrigued by what could _possibly_ be going through his mind.

“I was going to ask you if it was okay for me to treat you like a princess.”

“What?” Sakura blinked, “Right now?”

Naruto watched her as he leaned back until he was flat on the bed, and he chuckled. “It’s your coronation day.”

“Are you being cheesy?” Sakura laughed.

“And since it’s your coronation day,” he continued, “I wanted to give you a present while you sit on your throne.” Sakura fell quiet as he waved her towards his face, his grin bigger than ever. “After all, you _do_ have to sit here for a long time.” Rubbing her legs as she hovered over his lips, he blew a gentle breath at her clit, making her giggle. Planting a soft kiss to her inner thigh, he used his hands to spread her lips, exposing her clit. Already, he could sense the tension in Sakura’s legs, and he had to remind her that he would stop if she wanted him to. At his words, Sakura seemed to relax a little bit more, and when Naruto pressed his tongue ever so slightly against her sensitive spot, she sighed. Naruto sucked softly and licked until he was sure she was absolutely soaking. Her breathing was shallow and shaky, but his mouth and his tongue continued to write symphonies and her voice became the instrument that sang it all. _Not yet_ , he would tell her with the way he lightly nibbled on her inner thigh before he continued eating her out, her juices coating his mouth.

“You can’t have an orgasm yet,” he whispered as he closed his eyes and kissed the top of her clit, as though it were the most innocent thing he had ever said. “You can only orgasm when I tell you to, Princess.”

“You said,” she groaned, “that you would treat me like a princess, so why aren’t you giving me what I want?”

“Because,” he replied, “sometimes princesses need to _beg_ for what they want.” With that, Naruto pulled her sweet spot right against his lips, putting more pressure as he licked through and through, making her body writhe as she grinded herself on his tongue, her moans slowly turning into screams. _The neighbours can probably hear us by now_ , Naruto thought to himself, the thought amusing him.

“Naruto, _please_!” Sakura screamed, her words filled with so much emotion, it made him harder.

Placing his hands at her sides, he flicked his tongue faster against her clit as her hips bucked against his face, one hand flying to her chest and the other to tangle Naruto’s hair as she rode it out, her voice echoing in Naruto’s ears, screaming out his name garbled in with half-formed words as her orgasm spread across his mouth. He licked his lips and let her catch her breath, her face and body covered in a thin sheet of sweat, her cheeks red. Pulling herself off his face, she moved to lay on his chest, her heartbeat thumping in her chest.

“Fuck,” she whispered, “that was… oh god.”

Naruto smiled as he kissed her, and his hand moved to stroke her stomach.

“I’m glad you enjoyed it, but I have something to tell you,” he said, and he knew she could see him smiling even without looking at him, because she furrowed her brow.

“What could you possibly want to tell me now? You just destroyed me.”

“That’s true,” he hummed, “but I’m not done with you yet, Princess.”

At his words, Sakura’s eyes shot open and she immediately moved to remove his pants, her hands moving towards his thighs, but he lightly slapped her away. With a questioning look in her eyes, Naruto smiled. “Tonight is about you,” he said softly, cupping her cheek. “I want _you_ to be the one screaming.”

Reaching into their bedside table, Naruto pulled out a necktie that he kept in there whenever she tied him up, but tonight, he wanted to have a role reversal. Sakura watched as he held her wrists together and tied a knot with his necktie that wasn’t too tight, but it was definitely enough to restrain her. Watching her face, he pushed two fingers inside her, and the small moan that he elicited from her made him smile. “Eager, already?” He moved his face closer to hers and left a lingering kiss on her lips as he used his hand to guide himself inside her. When she gasped into his mouth, he kept kissing her as he pushed further in, until there was nothing left. Her raised legs twitched when he didn’t immediately begin moving, and her eyes opened to look at him.

“Are you ready?” he asked, his voice sultry.

“Always.”

One hard, rough, deep thrust, and Sakura’s mouth fell open in a silent scream. Naruto’s hand moved to her thigh and he pushed it higher as his hips snapped into her until her voice broke out, desperate. Naruto could see her fingers twitch at the desire to touch him, to hold him, but he wasn’t letting her have it. His pace quickened and his hand moved towards her neck, gripping it ever so slightly as he kissed her, hard. Sakura moaned into his mouth as she felt herself being filled, being choked, being loved — all at the same time. Naruto answered her moans and groaned against her mouth, the friction between her legs growing hotter.

Naruto continued to drive into her and watched as her arms stayed above her head, making the familiar coiling in his stomach intensify. He kissed her neck as his hips became more erratic, drawing moans from her throat that sounded a lot like his name. Reaching for her hips, he angled her so he would be repeatedly hitting her G-spot, and just a few seconds later, her legs began to quiver and she arched her back, her eyes fixed on his face.

“Look at you,” he cooed, “sprawled out like this just for me.”

“ _Fuck._ ” Sakura gasped.

“That’s right, Princess,” he said shakily as he reached his climax, “come with me.”

In that moment, Naruto felt her inner walls spasm as he felt himself spill into her. Sakura’s back arched a fair amount, even with her wrists bound by a necktie. She shivered even after the initial orgasm was over and she was being brought back down to Earth, her breathing more calm than it was before. Naruto laid on top of her, catching his breath as he released her from the knot he tied, and without hesitation, she reached for him and held him close to her, sighing. He smiled as he rolled over and pulled her against him, then quickly pulled the covers over them.

“That was so fucking good,” Sakura sighed and he chuckled beside her.

“So good that you had to swear?”

“ _God_ , yes,” she laughed, snuggling closer to him.

Naruto’s eyes fluttered shut as he listened to her soft voice telling him that she loved him and it took whatever was left of his energy to pull her closer, answering her words. Breathing into her hair, he realised that truthfully, _this_ was what he preferred to meaningless sex and endless drinking. The image of Sakura’s face from just five years ago danced in his head, the one who laughed off her trauma, the one who was vindictive and said that no one would fall in love with her, the one who hid her scars and pretended they didn’t exist. _She loves me_ , he told himself, and even though she told him this everyday, even though he could see it in the way she looked at him, he worried, still. Sometimes, she forgot.

On days it was most difficult for the both of them, she couldn’t remember the simplest facts, especially the fact that he loved her more than his heart was equipped for.

Some days, his heart hurt just at the thought of her not needing him anymore.

* * *

 The next morning, it rained the hardest it had rained in two months, which was refreshing, considering the streets were beginning to smell like piss. Parked outside a three-story office, Naruto received a text that she was coming downstairs now. For a long time, Naruto smoked cigarettes whenever he had to study for cases during law school. The entire time he was growing up, he was told that it was so easy to get addicted and get in the habit of smoking several packs a day, but he was never able to muster the energy to get addicted to something that most people considered to be awful. To be fair, he was never good at sticking to things that messed up his health. Nevertheless, he kept a pack of cigarettes in the compartment of his car. Nowadays, he classified himself as a social smoker, which wasn’t too bad. It generally meant that he handled his stress pretty well.

“How did it go?” Naruto asked as Sakura slipped into the seat next to him.

“Ah,” she replied, “she asked the usual questions. No surprises, I guess.”

“You guess?”

“She asked if I’ve been eating properly and been sleeping properly.” She buckled in her seatbelt and connected her phone to the car’s Bluetooth, a Years & Years song immediately playing. “She also asked about work.”

“Oh?” Naruto turned on his blinker and looked in his rearview mirror. “But you can’t give information about your cases, right? Since they’re confidential and all.”

“No,” she replied, sighing, “of course not, but she just wants to know that I’m not overworking myself again.”

As they drove through the city, Naruto could see from the corner of his eyes that Sakura’s eyes would often look out the window. She would unknowingly sigh and the more she did it, the more Naruto felt like they needed to get away from their busy schedules. Turning up the music, he saw that the skies were beginning to clear. The end of spring was truly at its peak when it rained for an hour and suddenly, the skies were beautiful again.

“You know,” Naruto began, “we have a full day off today.”

“You don’t have work?”

“Nah, I took the day off.”

“Why?”

Naruto chuckled. “Who else is gonna pick you up from therapy?”

“I could have walked, you know.”

Naruto feigned hurt and smiled when Sakura reached for his hand in his lap. “That’s true, you’re pretty self-sufficient.”

Turning her head when Naruto missed the turn to go back to their apartment, Sakura turned in her seat to face him, her expression confused. “You know that was the turn, right?”

“Yeah, I know.”

“Then… why didn't you make the turn?” she laughed.

“Do you feel like escaping today?” he asked, his tone soft.

“Escape? Why would we need to escape?”

Through the last ten years of his life, Naruto has had a longing to watch the sea only once: when his mother died in a car accident. He had felt lost and didn’t know who else to turn to, and since his mother came from a village near the sea, he felt it was the closest he could bring himself to be to her after that day. While he was obviously devastated at the loss of his mother, he inherited her affinity for water, and every now and then, he wondered who he would take with him to the place where he felt he could start anew.

“The city is too loud,” Naruto replied, “plus, I miss being reckless.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and the plot thickens~ 
> 
> tw: suicide mention

_When you fall in love with someone, bring them here. You’ll know why when you do._

Splashing the ocean water onto her clothes, Naruto laughed with Sakura as he recalled his mother’s words that she often said whenever they used to drive by the sea. Now that the two lived in the heart of the city and had such demanding jobs, it was hard to find time to leave and recharge. Standing at the shores, Naruto felt like the weight of his shoulders, the heavy feeling in his heart, and the anxiety in his lungs was cleansed, and in that regard, he almost felt like he was a new man. Quickly running to the car, he opened the trunk and brought back two towels to the shore where Sakura stood, facing the sea, her arms around herself. The corners of his lips pulled upwards into a smile as he approached her and placed the towel on top of her head. Sakura giggled and began drying her hair, working her way to wrap the towel around her shoulders, her wet hair already starting to dry from the winds.

“I miss this,” she whispered, “my dad and I used to hangout by the beach on the weekends.”

“Yeah,” Naruto chuckled, “I remember.” Pulling his own towel over his shoulders, he rested his chin on top of Sakura’s head and took a deep breath, closing his eyes. “I used to see you guys buying fish tacos,” he recalled, and he couldn’t help but think that his memory was both a blessing and a curse. In peaceful times like this, it made nostalgia seem like an old friend, but more often than not, it made nostalgia a filthy liar that insisted what used to exist was better than what he had now.

Sakura laughed, her hands pulling his arms around her waist. “He _loved_ those, and I never really understood why.”

“You always ate them, though.”

“That’s because he’d sulk if I didn’t.”

Naruto laughed. “That kinda does sound like him.”

Eyelids cracking open, Naruto watched the waves and listened to them crash against rocks, against each other, against the shores, and although some people he knew hated the sound, he couldn’t get enough of it. His arms tightened around Sakura and he sighed, remembering his mother’s words once more. There were certain places that were close to people’s hearts, which meant that they never wanted to share that part of themselves. Every now and then, Sakura would sigh and settle into his arms, and he couldn’t help but think that this is where they belonged. He knew that he was always loud, always laughing, and some even said he was boisterous, but the calmness that the sea evoked in him with its crashing waves and soft kisses to the shore was a trait oddly always reminded him of who he was. Naruto smiled, silently thanking his mother for giving him her laugh, her kindness, and her unconditional love.

“When I first moved,” Sakura said, “I thought that I wouldn’t meet anyone worth being with.”

“You were also seventeen,” Naruto chuckled, kissing her temple.

“I know,” she replied, “but you know how cold I was.”

They stayed still, just listening, and the idea that he was able to include her in the cleansing of his heart made him think that if he wasn’t careful, he would fall in love with her even more. Although she heard the words from him all the time, she had no idea of the impact that she had on him, or that he loved the fact that everyday, he learned something new from her. All he wanted was to be able to _keep_ learning things from her, even if it meant realising the same things over and over again. _I don’t want to have to be without her_ , he thought as he heard her phone ringing through the car windows that he left open.

“You should get that,” Naruto said.

Jogging to the car, Sakura reached into her seat and pulled out her phone, managing to only say hello before she fell silent. Naruto watched as her shoulder became visibly tense, her towel falling from her and onto the sand. Worried, he ran towards her, but she made no move to face him. He felt as though he was holding his breath, waiting for an answer, waiting for some kind of confirmation that things were, or weren’t, fine. She uttered a mere “okay” and hung up, her shoulders slumping as her hands gripped onto the car door, her head facing down as she took in three deep breaths.

“Sakura-chan, what —“

“Naruto,” she said, her voice breaking. He didn’t utter a word as she slowly turned towards him, tears brimming her eyes and her throat betraying her when she spoke. “My dad’s in the emergency room.”

* * *

 As though the universe knew, there was virtually no traffic as Naruto whizzed to the local hospital, his girlfriend beside him receiving calls from all kinds of relatives asking her about her father’s condition. With a monotone voice, she replied each time that she didn’t know and that she would be there soon. Her hands fell into her lap, limp, lifeless, helpless. As a result, Naruto gripped the steering wheel as he tried his hardest to get them there fast. She said nothing about what happened, of his condition, or whether or not everything was going to be fine.

Which meant that it might not be.

“He can’t see her,” Sakura whispered, her voice small, akin to the voice of a child who didn’t understand something but was too afraid to admit it, “and he won’t answer her when she calls him.”

He was too afraid to speak. Too scared that if he opened his mouth, his voice would betray him too, and he _needed_ to be strong for her. Naruto could almost see the whites of his knuckles as they approached the exit to the hospital, and as Sakura rested her head against the window, he was aching to reach out to her. He lost his mother in such a similar manner, that it was making his body anxious, worried that he might say the wrong thing. The day his mother passed away, he was so sure that she’d make it out alive, that she would be well and healthy and she could continue needing him, just like he promised her she could. When they pulled the sheet over her, his reality felt like it was wavering, and he never would have been able to get through it without his father, without his few close friends, and of course, without Sakura.

This time, _he_ was going to be there for her, even if her father walked out of the hospital perfectly healthy.

“Thank you,” Sakura whispered as he parked the car, her expression petrified, “whatever happens, thank you for being here.”

They moved as quickly as they could to the emergency room, then taking an elevator to the fifth floor where the private rooms were located. _Good_ , Naruto thought, knowing that if it were a more public area, people would be staring and acting like it was a show, a spectacle that _needed_ to be seen. When they arrived at the room, Sakura stopped in her tracks and her hand flew to her mouth as her tears spilled from her eyes. Looking towards the bed, Naruto felt his legs begin to wobble as his girlfriend’s mother waved her over to her side, her own eyes red and tired. Through her sniffling and her stifled sobs, Sakura ran a hand through her father’s hair and she bit her lip as she looked at his eyes, half open and the life in them half gone.

 _Fuck_.

Naruto walked over to the window, composing himself and reminding himself to take deep breaths. Even then, his lower lip quivered and when he felt a gentle hand on his shoulder, he was surprised to find that it was Mrs. Haruno, whose smile was so kind, but so sad. He bowed his head, but she was having none of it. Pulling him close, she hugged him and thanked him for bringing Sakura here, and for just being in the room with them. He nodded, feeling his own tears start to cloud his vision as he hugged her back.

“What did the doctor say?” Sakura whispered as she sat in her mother’s place.

Naruto could see that the older woman hesitated to answer as she watched her daughter, but nonetheless, she took a deep breath and spoke, begging her voice not to betray her. “Soon.”

She nodded, her eyes never leaving her father’s face as she placed her hand in his, squeezing every few seconds and watching his face. When she thought they weren’t watching, she pressed her forehead to his hand and then kissed it, before wiping away the tears that threatened to flood down her cheeks. _I can’t watch this_ , Naruto thought as he felt his hands start to shake. Mrs. Haruno left the room to get some water for them, and Naruto sat beside Sakura, rubbing her back as she seemed to finally let her anguish wrack through her body. She shivered and she sobbed, unable to breathe as her hand stayed in her father’s. No words left her lips but Naruto could hear the story of her grief through her sobs and her gasps. A few tears fell down his face when he heard her whisper to her father, “please don’t leave, I still need you.”

A few knocks at the door came, and three or four of Sakura’s relatives came into the room, their own tears brimming their eyes as they held her and reminded her that it was okay to grieve. She nodded and continued to stick by her father’s side, whose eyes were now greyer, and whose breaths were getting more shallow. Although Sakura was not an entirely religious person, Naruto could still hear her murmur prayers as she held her father’s hand, her throat closing up each time she began a new one. It was near impossible to calm yourself down in these situations, and Naruto knew that fact was the truest thing. For some people, they turned to facts, to prepare themselves, but for others, they might need faith and hope to keep themselves stable.

A loud gasp came from her father’s lips and everyone quickly rose from their seats, everyone’s breathing jagged as his eyes began to flutter, his breaths shallower than they were before. Sakura’s hand squeezed his, and opposite her, her mother held his other hand as she cried, her lips pursed into a tight line. Naruto continued rubbing his girlfriend’s back as she wept, her sobs now turning into hiccups as she used her other hand to cover her mouth. Watching her this way, Naruto couldn’t help but feel his own grief bubble to the surface and found its way to his eyes. He watched as her father’s eyes were cast towards the ceiling, no longer being able to see anyone, and maybe only being able to see his life playing out before him. His life with his wife and his daughter, being known as the one who always brought joy to others, rain or shine. Naruto felt his throat close up. _Just like mom_.

Sakura didn’t take her eyes off her father as she continued to whisper prayers to herself, her hand gripping tighter even though he could no longer feel her. The room fell silent when he inhaled one final time, and his body became still, his lips no longer quivering and his face empty. Slowly placing his hand on his stomach, Sakura stood up, walked over to her mother and held her, letting her mother tremble in her arms. Naruto listened to their sobs, to their grief, as he looked one last time at the face of the man who raised the woman he loved. Wiping his eyes, Naruto moved his hand towards her father’s face, and gently pressed his eyelids shut.

He watched as Sakura held her relatives, reassuring them that he was in a better place, but every time she looked at him, he _knew_ the grief she felt, and the anger, and the pure despair that was roaring inside of her. Naruto knew that everyone experienced death differently, that some people wailed, that some people shut down, that some people became angry, and of course, that everyone could feel nothing but hurt. He knew, he understood, but it didn’t mean that it ever got any easier. No matter how many times you heard of death, or attended someone’s funeral, you were never prepared for the next one. It was a curse that befell everyone, and if someone _was_ prepared, then they had the most unfortunate luck and needed to grieve the most.

You could lie and tell someone that it was better this way, but the truth is: that’s not how it works.

Soon after her father’s passing, Sakura called in a nurse to confirm the cause and time of death: a heart attack that caused the death at 12:16PM. Her expression was solemn as the nurse pulled the sheet over her father’s face and without a word, Naruto went to her side and squeezed her hand, to which he saw her tears brimming her eyes again. He waited and from the corner of his eye, he could see that she was slowly moving closer to him, until she was close enough to bury her face in his chest as she sobbed, her shoulders shaking as her heart couldn’t decide which emotion to let out first. He stroked her hair and let his own grief be known as her mother watched them, her own expression empty.

Sometimes, there simply were no words to ease grief.

* * *

 

She faced away from him as she slept, her snoring slight and her shoulders falling and rising with each breath she took. Naruto’s eyes fixated on the back of her neck as he listened to her, and he couldn’t help but be a little thankful that at the very least, she fell asleep after another long day. Moving closer, he kissed her shoulder and she seemed to stir, but didn’t actually wake up. All he needed was this. All he required was to know that she was still breathing, that she was resting — that she was letting herself process it. If there was one thing he found difficult about funerals, it was how tired they made a person, especially if it was a family member. Naruto could hear her relatives talking in the living room, and he knew that they’d been talking for _hours_ now, even after the burial. He drew in a large breath and wrapped an arm around Sakura, his thoughts in disarray.

“She didn’t speak to anyone,” he heard a voice say.

“It’s only natural. It’s her father,” said another.

“After everything she’s been through,” a male voice said, “I’m worried for her.”

“She has Naruto,” Mrs. Haruno whispered, “and as long as he’s here, she’ll be okay, I hope.”

It was silent for a minute before the conversations continued, now about the cost of the funeral, and if there were any other payments that needed to be settled. _How diplomatic_ , Naruto thought, even though he knew it was to be expected. His eyes wandered around Sakura’s old bedroom, making note of the walls filled with polaroids that were trendy when they were in university. vaguely recognising the faces of some of the people Sakura always hung out with. In the top right corner of the wall adjacent to her window, Naruto’s face softened when he realised it was an 4R-sized photo of her father. Just him, standing in the middle of the beach with his wide smile and his hands on his hips. Naruto’s brow furrowed as he felt Sakura shuffle in his arms, his heart and his limbs heavy from the weight of what the last few days held in store for them.

Usually, in the event of someone’s death, it was customary to have a wake, then a funeral, but that’s not how Naruto’s family bid their farewells to his mother. Everything had happened so quickly that they had to hold her funeral the same day as her death, at his father’s request. It had only been a few years since her death, but he remembered her funeral vividly: every time he looked at her sleeping face, he felt his throat close up and his lips quiver. Every time he looked at his father’s pale face, he felt another hole punctured into his heart. When they closed her casket and buried her, he felt like every step he took was unstable, and that his knees would buckle at any second.

He didn’t sleep for a week.

A loud sigh came from the woman sleeping next to him, who then turned to face him, her eyes tired. “Why didn’t you wake me up?” she asked.

“You needed rest.”

“No,” she said, “I need to help with settling everything.”

“They did that hours ago.”

Sakura blinked, her brow furrowing in frustration. “You don’t get to decide what I have to, or have to _not_ do. It’s _my_ dad.”

Sitting up, Sakura rubbed her temples, and at the realisation of her words, she sighed again. From where he laid, Naruto thought that her slumped back made her look exhausted, like she needed someone. Even if she never said it, this was what he firmly believed. She was accustomed to pushing people away, that it was practically second nature. Nonetheless, Naruto wasn’t going to let that get in the way of taking care of her. She was stubborn, but if she really didn’t want him around, she would have said so long ago.

“Sakura-chan —“

“Can you leave?” Sakura whispered, her fingers gripping the sheets.

“You can’t be alone.”

“Yes, I can,” she said, her voice shaking, “please just leave me alone.” As Naruto stood up, Sakura leaned back against the headboard, her eyes watching him absentmindedly. “I’ll see you at home.”

At her casual remark, Naruto’s shoulder slumped and he closed the door behind him, more than a little worried that she didn’t try stopping him. _Everyone has their own way of dealing_ , he reminded himself. Bidding farewell to her relatives and hugging her mother, he slipped into his shoes and walked towards the car, his expression solemn. The hour drive back to the city was silent without Sakura’s phone blasting music the entire way. Surprisingly, the noise inside his head was also quiet, which, if Naruto was to be honest, he found unnerving. He didn’t know what to say, what help to offer her. Aware of the fact that he couldn’t simply _force_ her to rely on him, Naruto was at a loss for what to do. Instead of making the turn to go back to their apartment, he kept going straight to the closest bar. Although he was never a believer in drinking away grief, he did believe in liquor sometimes being able to ‘do the trick’.

The pub was bustling with customers as always, but what was different was that no one was watching the TV for some soccer game he hadn’t heard of. Instead, they were all engrossed in their own conversations and laughing as they toasted their pints and downed shots before guffawing at the prospect that they were absolutely intoxicated. To be frank, Naruto missed when he was able to do the same. It seemed like with each day he aged, the more he felt like he was hundreds of years too old to be dealing with that kind of crap. Walking up directly to the bar, he sat in the middle, ordering a whiskey, neat. As he tapped the wooden bar with his index finger, he sighed. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed someone watching him. Someone with black hair whose stare felt a little too cold. Naruto pursed his lips.

“If you recognise me,” he said, “you can just say so. I’m not a well-known actor.”

A chortle came from the man sitting beside him before he turned back to his drink, his head bowed down. “I could say I wasn’t sure it was you,” he said coolly, “but you haven’t changed in the last five years.” The glass he held was raised to his lips, but he paused before he took a sip. “Aren’t you a little too well-known to not be wearing a disguise?”

Naruto snorted as the bartender set down his glass. “I’m not _that_ famous.”

“I never said famous.”

Rolling his eyes, Naruto turned to face the man that every single girl in high school fell for, the man that all the guys wanted to be friends with, the man who, just a few months ago, helped his girlfriend set up their TV system back at the apartment. Sasuke smirked, his eyes amused.

“What’re you doing in the city?” Naruto asked.

“Had some work to take care of.”

“Care to enlighten me or…?” Naruto said, his fingers hovering over the rim of his cup.

“Mostly girlfriend-related.”

“Oh?” Naruto replied, curious, “you moving in with her?”

“Something like that.”

“What does that mean?”

Sighing, Sasuke closed his eyes and rubbed the bridge of his nose before taking another sip of his drink. His throat made a loud gulping noise and he sighed again. One too many for Naruto’s taste, but he kept his mouth shut. “I’m meeting her parents.”

“Isn’t that a good thing?” Naruto laughed, the weight of his heart feeling somewhat lightened.

“Sure,” Sasuke replied, “if they weren’t so _particular_ about everything.” Naruto waited for him to say more, since he was the kind of guy who _hated_ being prompted to speak. They were never friends, but he knew this much, at least. “Her mom asked me to come dressed semi-formally,” he began, “and her dad asked me to bring a piece of paper with my family tree written on it.”

Silent, Naruto averted his eyes to the wall before him, deep in thought. He remember back to when he met Sakura’s parents for the first time, and how nervous he had been. He was barely making any sense right before they reached her old house, and he kept blabbering on about how his shirt wasn’t the right one, or he should’ve worn a different cologne, or that maybe, he should've brought them a different gift than wine. Sakura had laughed then, a sound that still rung in his ears after so many years of being together, and told him that he was perfect the way he was. As it turned out, her parents _loved_ him. At the time, her father had given him a hard slap on the back, telling him he had nothing to worry about. At the memory, Naruto’s face softened.

“They just want you to be good enough for their daughter,” Naruto said quietly.

“I know.” Sasuke pulled out a pack of cigarettes and placed one in his mouth. Glancing briefly at Naruto, he offered the pack, his expression nonchalant. “You can have one if you need it.”

“Thanks,” Naruto replied, “but I quit years ago.”

Shrugging, Sasuke lit up his cigarette and inhaled calmly. His demeanor, the way his lips pressed around his cigarette, and the silver band on his left ring finger created an air about him that seemed to be contradictory. He was tough, but there were only a few things (or people, rather) that he held close to his heart. Naruto smirked and ordered another whiskey.

“You know,” he said, “I think you’re forgetting she doesn’t like it when you smoke.”

A chuckle came from Sasuke’s lips before he drew in another breath and released it, blowing rings into the air. “She doesn’t mind when it’s once in a while.”

From the back of the bar, a loud thud made half the customers turn in curiosity, then they quickly returned to their conversations and as expected, a woman came out from behind, her expression annoyed as she flipped her long, blonde hair behind her. Her blue eyes glared at Sasuke, her bottom lip in a pout. She pulled up the seat next to him and propped herself onto it, _clearly_ sulking. Naruto smirked.

“Sasuke,” she began, “ _this_ is exactly why I told you I wanted to go to a different bar.”

“Remind me again,” Sasuke replied, rolling his eyes.

“It was so _dingy_ back there,” the blonde whined, “I really don’t understand why you like places like this.” Naruto couldn't help but let his lips pull back into a smile — he hadn’t heard that voice in such a long time that it was like a fresh breath of air. He turned to look at the couple beside him, and she was staring at him, wide-eyed. Shooting her one of his famous bright smiles, he said hello.

“Long time no see, Ino,” he laughed.

At his words, Ino slapped Sasuke’s shoulder, to which he grunted as he listened to her ramble on and on about how he should’ve _said something sooner_ , before she embarrassed herself in front of her high school best friend. For Naruto, it was always good to see that some people didn’t change at all.

“I hear you’re back in town so this guy can meet your parents,” Naruto said, ordering a drink for the three of them.

“You didn’t offer me a drink before,” Sasuke said coolly.

“I wanted to wait for her.”

Ino laughed, her laughter lines prominent. “My parents wanted to meet the guy who managed to make me look for another job.”

“What was wrong with modelling?”

“Oh, nothing,” Ino said sarcastically, “except for the fact that I’m getting kind of old to be a model, so they wanted me to find a ‘real job’ before it was too late.” She nudged Sasuke playfully, which earned a grin from him. “Obviously, he’s the one who convinced me that they were right. Of course they’d want to meet him.”

“Always the sensible one,” Naruto laughed.

“Where’s Sakura-chan? I haven’t seen her in _ages_!” Ino beamed.

“Oh,” Naruto said slowly, “her dad passed away today.”

At the news, even Sasuke looked up from his drink, his expression woeful. Ino’s jaw fell just the slightest bit and her eyes held such remorse, it was hard to look at them directly. Naruto cleared his throat, shrugging as he gulped half of his drink down his throat. “Yeah,” he said, “it was really sudden. It was a heart attack.” The two didn’t say a word as he slowly opened up. “She didn’t take it well. Hell,” he chuckled, “ _I_ didn’t take it well.”

“Where is she now?” Ino whispered.

“Still at her parents’ place,” Naruto replied, “she wanted some time to recollect herself.”

“That’s not your fault,” Ino’s voice shook as she spoke, her compassion shining through. “You need to remember that.”

The pub boomed with laughter for a few seconds and died down when Naruto glanced over at the loudest table. His mouth wouldn’t form words, no matter how hard he tried to push it out from the back of his throat. Feeling Ino’s hand on his shoulder, he ran his hand through his hair, taking a deep breath.

“I just don’t understand what I’m doing wrong.”

The lump in his throat came soon after the words left his mouth, and Naruto thought that maybe, he found it difficult to say what he felt because he always put Sakura first. His own insecurities were pushed aside because _her_ insecurities took priority, like the fact that she became forgetful whenever she was relapsing, or she drank when she wanted an escape, or she stopped eating when she felt she was losing control of her life. Whatever he felt about their relationship, it was never as important as his need to make sure she was healthy.

More often than not, he was worried he was failing her.

“It’s not about what you’re doing wrong,” Sasuke said as he lit another cigarette, “it’s about helping her see who loves her when she needs it most.” After a drag, he turned to look at Naruto, his gaze calculating. “I don’t think you leaving her at her parents’ was a good idea.”

“ _Sasuke!_ ,” Ino exclaimed, horrified.

“You may want to respect her space,” he continued, “but right now, what she needs isn’t space. She needs you close to her.” Another sip of his drink and Naruto was sure he was becoming sagely, it was almost ridiculous. “Did she say anything about coming home?”

“She said she’d see me at home.”

“There you go,” Sasuke said, “she needs you right now. Not to be far away, but the opposite.”

“In all the years I’ve known both of you,” Ino commented, “you’re strongest when you’re together.”

Naruto looked up from his hands to face the two, whose expressions were now softer, more hopeful. “You really think so?” he asked sheepishly.

“Naruto,” Ino smiled, “she _loves_ you, and that’s not something you ever have to doubt.”

Hearing words of encouragement changed the way his heart beat, and miraculously, Naruto could see Sakura’s face in his head so much clearly, as though a veil was lifted. After just one more drink, he bade the two farewell and kissed Ino on the cheek, reminding her to not be such a stranger. Although the awkwardness was so _loud_ that Naruto’s initial reaction was to laugh, Sasuke gave him a swift hug and wished him good luck.

“Oh,” Ino said, her eyes shining, “come to our wedding.”

“Sure,” Naruto replied, “when is it?”

“Next spring.”

“That’s almost a year away,” Naruto laughed.

“Well,” Sasuke said dryly, “you know how crazy she can get about planning things.”

“I remember,” Naruto said, smiling at the memory of their senior year, the very year he met Sakura.

The drive back to the apartment was swift and when he opened their front door, he was more than a little surprised to find Sakura sitting on the sofa, watching his sitcom in his favorite t-shirt, a bottle of water in hand. She blinked at him, but made no move to get up off the sofa. Her attention turned back towards the TV, her eyes glazed. Gulping, Naruto closed the door, behind him, setting his jacket on the coat rack, then slowly walked over to the sofa, sitting beside her and pulling her into his arms. He sighed.

“I missed you,” she whispered.

“I missed you, too,” he murmured against her hair, “do you want me to make you some food?”

“I ate.”

“Your mom cooked?”

“No,” Sakura replied, “my uncle did. Cooked dad’s favorite.”

Naruto was silent and she snuggled into his embrace, her cheek pressing against his chest. Her eyes were swollen but they weren’t red. _She must have tired herself out_ , Naruto thought. Sakura yawned every few minutes, but her eyes never left the TV. It was clearer than day that she was trying not to think, that she wanted nothing more but to be a sponge. Naruto knew, and he understood, that this would be one of the hardest days she would have to live through. He felt his throat close up.

“You’re rewatching my show?”

“I wanted to see you.”

“You could have called me.”

“I didn’t want to bother you,” she sighed, “and I was really mean to you today. I’m sorry.”

“You know,” Naruto said as he stroked her hair, “it’s okay for you to hurt.”

Sakura’s lips didn’t move, nor did the expression she wore on her face, but he could feel her grip on him tightening, and her heartbeat thumping a little louder. She was nervous, which was understandable, considering the kind of person she was, but Naruto continued to stroke her hair, and to be patient with her. As far as he was concerned, all she needed was time. Only when they were two episodes in did Sakura open her mouth.

“Dad left me a letter,” she muttered.

“What did it say?”

“I don’t know,” she replied, “Mom said he wrote it after I was hospitalised last time. He wanted me to have it if anything ever happened to him.”

Naruto felt his body freeze at the memory of Sakura on the bathroom floor, an empty, opened bottle of Xanax next to her head. She had barely been breathing. That night, she hadn’t been answering her phone, and because he knew how to look past her lies, he had shown up to her apartment building and had asked security to open her apartment door. The panic that had coursed through his veins upon seeing her that way had made him think that mental illness was unfair. It attacked the most pure-hearted people, and as he had been waiting in the emergency room all night long, he had made a resolution to give her as much love as she needed, until she saw and understood that it was alright to rely on other people.

Sakura never talked about that night, mostly because she knew how traumatic it was for both of them. He held back a shudder as he stroked her hair now, not wanting to find her half-dead again.

“Are you going to open it?”

“I’m too scared to,” she laughed, even though she knew it was wrong to, “what if it’s something I can’t handle?”

“But you can’t just let it be.”

“I know,” she said, “that’s why I want you to open it.”

Sitting up, Sakura reached for an envelop that Naruto hadn’t noticed on the coffee table before them, her thin fingers touching the sealed letter before she handed it over to him, her eyes staying glued to the TV. Without a word, Naruto took it from her hands and gave her one last glance before he opened the envelop, his nerves just as frayed as hers. The paper was from one of those notepads that writers use to jot down their ideas, which was somehow fitting for Mr. Haruno, whose thoughts always seemed to be scattered. Naruto took a deep breath as his eyes scanned the page.

“What does it say?” Sakura asked, her hand reaching for his.

“‘To my beautiful, intelligent, and kind-hearted daughter, I need you to understand a few things.’”, Naruto began, his heart sinking. “‘First, you are not as weak as you think. You give as much love as you can, and a weak person is unable to give so much love. Second, I know that whenever people look at you, they see someone who can make a difference. I know this, because when you were born, I felt it so deeply in my heart. I believe in you.’” Naruto could feel Sakura’s emotional reaction just by the squeeze of her hand, and the deep breaths she took in an attempt to compose herself.

“‘Lastly,’” Naruto read, “‘you are perfect the way you are. Please let everyone see that about you, because I promise you, you are nothing to be ashamed of.’” He could hear her begin to sniffle, and even his own eyes were watering up, but he forced himself to keep going. “‘When you open your eyes, I want you to see how much I love you. If there is one thing in this world that I don’t lie about, it’s about how scared I am for you. Please love yourself, because it is killing me that I can’t do it for you right now.’” Naruto wiped at a tear that threatened to fall down his face. ‘“I love you very much. Love, Dad.’”

The silence in their living room was palpable, but there was no rush as the TV very quickly became background noise and Naruto listened for changes in her breathing. Sakura didn’t turn to look at him, nor did the grip she had on his hand let up. He waited, just like always did, for her to say something, because he wanted her to say she needed him, or to thank him, or to say she loved him for being there for her. He didn’t _expect_ it from her like he was entitled, but he wanted her to realise on her own how much he was willing to love her. Understanding that it was a true process for some people, he had no choice but to guide her, to protect her, to be with her, until she saw what was right before her eyes. Before long, she started to turn towards him, tears falling down her face, that he was worried her eyes were beginning to get tired. She pressed herself against his shoulder and sobbed, the pressure of the entire day finally caving in on her as she shook and wailed, bleeding out of her heart. Holding her, Naruto felt his own tears start to form again, and between sniffles, he told her he loved her, again and again and again, until she fell silent and whispered a simple “I know”. 

* * *

 

Ever since her father’s passing, Sakura’s work had been piling up on her. She had to work on case after case, which meant she had little time for leisure, and even _less_ time for therapy. The only time she could truly relax was when she came home after 10PM and could watch that week’s episode of Naruto’s sitcom, which was evidently coming to the end of its current season. In even more exciting news, Naruto was to star in a new sitcom series called ‘Honey’, which was essentially similar to that old TV show called ‘Friends’. According to Naruto, the title was still a work in process.

“You’re home early,” Naruto commented one evening when Sakura came through the door, files in hand.

“They said I could take a break,” she huffed, “since all I do anymore is stay late.”

“They can make you go home early but they can’t give you a week off?”

“A week is a little bit of a stretch,” Sakura laughed, “plus, I like working.”

“Yeah,” Naruto rolled his eyes, “so do I, but that’s no reason to take their shit like that.”

Sakura crossed to the living room to give him a kiss on the cheek before setting herself down next to him on the sofa, grabbing his wine glass and taking a sip. “Well, they can’t do anything without their best social worker.”

“You better be getting promoted after this, then.”

She laughed again, propping her feet up on the coffee table. Naruto leaned his head against hers as the TV played, making note of her thin fingers. She had a fresh coat of nail polish on top, which was weird even for her, since she usually kept her nails clean and had said something about letting them breathe after wearing so much gel polish. Not that it made any sense to Naruto, but he had agreed and encouraged her to do what she thought was best for her. She reached for his hand and laced her fingers through it, and for the first time in a while, he felt like she finally missed him as much as he missed her. He smiled.

“How have your cases been?”

“The same as always,” Sakura replied, “but they gave me this new case recently. They want me to work on it alone.”

“That’s great for you!” he beamed.

“I know! But I’m worried,” she sighed.

“Why? I thought it was a good sign if they give you your own case.”

“See, the thing is,” Sakura began, “this kid is suffering verbal abuse from his parents to the point that it’s caused him to develop major depression and high anxiety issues.”

Naruto was silent for a moment, taking a minute to process her words. “So you’re worried because of his diagnosis.”

“Of _course_ I am.”

“But,” Naruto offered, “you having been diagnosed with that will help in this case, won’t it?”

“That’s what I’m hoping for,” Sakura said dejectedly, “so maybe he’ll open up to me if I tell him I know what he’s going through.”

“How old is he?”

“Sixteen.”

Naruto chuckled. “Might wanna be careful with what you say to him. Teenagers are scary.”

Smiling, Sakura nodded as she focused her attention back to the TV, pulling Naruto’s arm around her shoulders. It had been a while since they were allowed to lounge around like this, but Naruto was more than grateful that she seemed to be accepting his love more willingly now. It made his heart feel as though it was thrumming, he was so happy. He kissed her temple and told her about his day on set, and made her laugh with his stupid puns and even more ridiculous jokes. _I missed that sound_ , he thought to himself as she laughed so hard, her face was turning red.

“Oh, right,” Naruto said, pulling out his phone, “Ino and Sasuke’s wedding. We need a gift.”

Sakura groaned mockingly. “Can’t we just give them a bowl?”

“And have Ino hate us forever?”

“She was your best friend in high school,” Sakura reminded him, “I doubt she’d be able to hate you forever.”

“They have a registry, though.”

“Don’t you want to give them something more special, since we’ve known them a really long time?”

“Well,” Naruto replied, “what would _you_ suggest then?”

Sakura thought for a moment, her brow furrowing in deep concentration. Naruto wanted to laugh — it was so rare to see Sakura worry about things like this, especially because _she_ thought wedding gifts were sometimes so trivial. “Maybe a bassinet?”

He froze, cocking an eyebrow at her. “You want them to think about having a kid as soon as they get married?”

“It’s Ino,” she laughed, “I’m just being realistic.”

Sometimes, without even meaning to, Sakura would make jabs at Ino in conversation, but it always threw Naruto off how in-context her jokes were. Truthfully, she never said anything out of malice, it’s just that she never really thought about her words when it came to her friends. Her theory was that, if everyone was friends, they would be able to take a few criticisms or a few jokes. Of course, Sakura was right, and that kind of thinking has helped her dub who was a true friend and who wasn’t. Supposedly, it was a terrific method for making friends, too. Naruto smiled.

“Do you ever want kids?” he asked her.

“Hmm,” she replied, and for a minute, that was her answer. Then, “Maybe two or three.”

“That many?”

“I hated not having a sibling growing up,” she reasoned, “so I want all my kids to have someone to grow up with. I imagine it won’t be lonely, and even if they might fight, they'll always love each other, in the end.”

“But having one kid is so much easier to manage.”

“For a while, sure,” Sakura said as she took another sip of wine, “but my mom always says that you’ll miss raising a baby.”

The room fell quiet as Naruto soaked up her words, wondering about what the future had in store for them. _Would_ they have kids? Would they end up having more than three? Obviously, that was a question that was reserved for when they were to be married, but he couldn’t help but wonder every now and again what she would be like as the mother of his children.

“I want them to look like you,” he said quietly.

“Why?”

“I just do,” he replied simply when he averted his eyes to her face, “they’d be really lucky if they look like you.”

Her cheeks burned at his comment and she let a small smile spread across her lips. For the rest of the evening, all Naruto could think about was their future together, and if they’d still be living in the city. If they’d have a son or a daughter, or _twins_ \---- and it infected his mind so wholly, he suddenly remembered that this was what people called ‘daydreaming’. As though they were falling in love for the first time, they decided to take a walk in the city, specifically at the park nearby. It was usually filled with people in the evenings, particularly because the area their apartment was located in was close to Party Central. Everyone was getting drinks at this time, and then killing time before the clubs would begin accepting entrances into parties.

Sakura’s hand felt warm in his and it was almost like she was coming back to him. Lately, she smiled and laughed more often, and although it made Naruto uneasy, he had to admit that he was more than happy to see her trying to be happy for herself. They sat under a large oak tree and watched the crowd nearby, making comments like ‘wow her dress is short’, or ‘he has _way_ too much hair gel on’. Deep in his heart, he knew that being with her like this was refreshing, and it felt like new beginnings were being promised.

“Hey,” Sakura said after the crowd died down a little, “is there a reason why you took me to the sea that day?”

“Yeah,” Naruto replied casually, “my mom always used to tell me that when I fall in love with someone, I need to take them there.”

“Why?”

He was at a loss for words, trying to explain it as best as he could, hoping that maybe, she’d understand. “The ocean is this natural force. Taking someone you love there feels like everything in your life has clarity.”

She laughed, though it wasn’t as genuine as before. “So you’ve taken other girls there, then.”

“No.”

“What?”

Smiling, he turned to face her, his expression amused. “Are you jealous?”

“ _What_? No, of _course_ —“

“It’s okay to say so, Princess.”

Sakura giggled as he tickled her sides, saying over and over again how she wasn’t jealous. He knew the truth, though. He always did. Pulling her against his chest, he sighed into her hair, his happiness humming inside him when she said she loved him.

“You’re the first and only girl I’ve taken there,” he murmured, “and that’s the entire truth.”

The universe seemed to prove to him over and over again, that things that were meant to happen, would happen. If someone had told him when he was eighteen, that he would stop smoking, or that he would be an actor, he wouldn’t believe them and he would brush them off. But the _biggest_ thing that he wouldn’t believe was if someone told him his happiness laid with a girl whose smile reminded him of the beginning of spring, after a long winter, in an apartment that was decorated with traces of her. Even now, he didn’t completely believe that he was fully awake whenever Sakura kissed him, or said she loved him, or fell asleep beside him.

Racing back to their apartment, they both laughed and panted as they fell through their apartment door. After cleaning up and washing dishes, Sakura kissed him on the cheek and said she was going to go to bed, since she had an early day and had to start reading her case files. After hearing the door shut, he sighed and put away wineglasses, reaching into the cabinet above him and making sure they were aligned. Evidently, he was learning to take better care of the apartment, in the event that Sakura might not be able to. The loss of her father and the letter that he left for her made an impact on her, though Naruto was unsure to what extent. Surely, she was trying to be better, and was trying to appreciate happiness more. But the weight on her cheeks was slowly shredding and he couldn’t help but wonder if it was because she was working out more, drinking more, or if it was because she simply was not eating. He rubbed the nape of his neck as his anxieties grew bigger. _Maybe she’s just eating healthier_ , he told himself. Still, he made a mental note to check on her, when the time was right.

Setting himself down on the sofa, he vowed to read a few pages of his script before he would head to bed. His work schedule was more lenient lately, and he was allowed to go in after lunch. With the amount of publicity he was giving and with his rising popularity, it was hard to get mad at him, since he was always so sweet to everyone he worked with. Naruto was always careful to not let his fame get to his head, especially because he would feel incredibly guilty if he purposely made someone feel like shit. Sighing, he rubbed his temples and set down the script on the coffee table, remembering that he needed to look for his calendar with all important dates written in them. The goddamn thing always was disappearing on him ever since the day Sakura got it for him, but he couldn’t help it. The guy was disorganised as hell, after all.

The door silently creaked open and Naruto felt like he was in a stealth mission, trying to get to their dresser without waking her up. He may have stubbed a toe or two because he couldn’t freaking _see_ anything, but he let out a breath of relief when he opened the first drawer, his eyes searching. His fingers knocked over what seemed like a small bottle of gum and it rattled onto the floor, making Sakura stir just the slightest bit.

“ _Shit_ ,” he whispered in the dark before he leaned down to reach for the bottle.

Upon a closer look, the writing on the bottle clearly indicated that it wasn’t gum, and he could feel his heart sink into his stomach. Glancing at his sleeping girlfriend, all the anxieties he had tried to tell himself not to worry about were creeping up on him. His heart was heavy and he felt his throat close up. He kept repeating to himself that he wasn’t careful, that he wasn’t checking on her enough, and more than anything, the guilt that he felt in his heart was making its way to his eyes.

“It’s all my fault,” he whispered as he stared at the bottle of hunger-suppressing pills.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> feedback is heavily appreciated yo


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i posted this on ffnet a while back since that generally has a bigger audience but i wanna be consistent alors voila
> 
> for the ending scene with the dance, listen to this:
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0s4xE2X5__E
> 
> (yes i know where it's from but i am so in love with this song)

It was unusually quiet in Naruto’s head as he sat on the sofa in the living room, holding his script. Every few minutes, he would look up at the wall, sigh, then attempt to read the words on the page again, but he never managed to move past the sentence ‘oh nothing, just sitting here and wondering why bad things happen to good people’. It was supposed to be funny, supposed to give off a lightheartedness that would set the tone for the new TV show he was starring in. Nothing about his thoughts, nothing about the woman sleeping in the next room who was unknowingly breaking his heart was lighthearted. Naruto pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed, then he paced around the room like he didn’t know what else to do with his restlessness. He would face in the direction of their bedroom, but would quickly decide to go towards the kitchen, his expression conflicted. Truthfully, what did he have to choose between? All he had to do was simply ask her about the pills he found, but he knew that things like that never came easy.

Although she loved him, Sakura would never admit that she needed help, even if it was critical. The only way she would admit it is if she truly was falling apart, and that was only because of the last time she kept to herself. Naruto sighed again, his fingers reaching for his cell phone on the coffee table. Quickly dialing a number, he felt comforted when his father picked up on only the second ring. Naruto smiled and said hello, his voice tired.

“Hey Dad,” Naruto said, “why aren’t you asleep?”

“ _I was up reading some proposals and approving them,_ ” Minato replied, “ _why? What’s wrong? Did something happen?_ ”

“When Mom was alive,” Naruto breathed, “and she kept secrets from you, what did you do?”

The line was silent for just a few seconds, but Naruto couldn’t help but think about his father’s reaction. He could almost _see_ the way his mouth frowned and the way his forehead scrunched up in worry. It was natural, of course, for his father to worry about him. He _was_ the only child, after all. The kind who was rambunctious, too. Maybe it would have been different if Naruto had a younger sibling, because then it would've made him more responsible from a younger age. Naruto heard him take a deep breath.

“ _Whenever she kept things from me that were about her health,_ ” Minato started, “ _I always tried to subtly hint to her that I knew what she was doing. If that didn’t work, I just took care of her until she was better equipped to tell me what was wrong._ ”

“Did that work?”

“ _Not at first, but the more you do it, the more you improve your relationship,_ ” Minato said, “ _and the more she will open up to you, because you’ve proven that you can handle her at her worst_.”

Naruto thought for a moment, nibbling on his bottom lip, too nervous to say a word before his father coughed once. “What if,” Naruto whispered, “she thinks that I can’t help her when she needs me?”

“ _That’s easy_ ,” Minato chuckled, “ _that just means she’s trying to protect you_.”

“I don’t want her to protect me.”

“ _Why? What happened?_ ”

Naruto sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. “She’s not eating again.”

“ _That makes sense_ ,” Minato uttered, “ _she recently lost her father. I’m sure she doesn’t even realise it’s a relapse_.”

At those words, Naruto froze. One of the things that was difficult to realise about mental health was that the person who was diagnosed sometimes found it difficult to detect a change in their behavior. They would go on about their lives as though their relapse was something normal, but for mentally ill people, it _was_ the norm to feel a certain way. Still, Naruto thought of the bottle he found in Sakura’s drawer, and felt his heart go into turmoil all over again.

“Dad,” he said, “I found hunger-suppressing pills in her drawer.”

It was Minato’s turn to be silent, but Naruto could hear the way his breath caught in his throat. Evidently, this piece of information was shocking and more than disturbing. Over the phone, he could hear the shuffling of papers on the table and being neatly stacked for Minato to look at later.

“ _Why does she have that in her drawer? Where did she even get them?_ ”

“I don’t know, but I know that medication has to be prescribed. For obvious reasons.”

“ _I’m sure there’s some variation of it that you can get over the counter_.”

“It’s _hunger-suppressing_ , Dad. It’s not legal to sell that over the counter, especially in a world where eating disorders are more prevalent now.”

“ _Well,_ ” Minato sighed, “ _what’re you gonna do?_ ”

“I was hoping you’d tell me,” Naruto sighed.

The line went silent for a good minute, but he knew his father was thinking, maybe even contemplating on what advice to give him. He fidgeted with the papers he was holding, wondering if he was doing the right thing by calling so late at night. The kitchen cabinet full of wine suddenly seemed _so_ much more appealing and before Minato said a word, Naruto quickly crossed the room and fixed himself up with a glass, sitting at the kitchen bar and eyeing the stove. It was three o’clock in the morning, which meant that he wasn’t going to get any sleep. That probably also meant that the table reading for “Honey” was going to go a _lot_ slower than the producers had hoped for.

“ _I think for now_ ,” Minato murmured as Naruto gulped down a glass of red wine, “ _you just have to take care of her. Make sure she eats_.”

“What if she doesn’t want to?”

“ _It’s going to be hard at first, but as long as you consistently show her that your relationship hasn’t changed, it’ll hopefully help clear some things up for her_.”

The blonde-haired actor inhaled through his mouth and held his breath for just a few seconds, just like he did back when he was still smoking cigarettes. He nodded slightly, his head hung low. “Okay,” he said finally, “thanks dad. I love you.”

It was around six o’clock in the morning when Naruto had finished preparing the bacon and the scrambled eggs, set neatly at the kitchen bar with glasses of orange juice and some tea. He heard the click of their bedroom door and immediately looked up to find that Sakura was still in her pyjamas, wiping her eyes as she yawned, her hair in disarray. She caught a whiff of the food he had cooked and perked up immediately, but her eyes held something similar to guilt and Naruto felt that twisting feeling in his stomach again just at the sight of it, if only for a few seconds.

“You didn’t come to bed last night.”

“Yeah,” he replied as he pushed more bacon onto each of their plates, “I was reading the script after I talked to my dad on the phone.”

“Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, just haven’t called him in a while.” Technically, Naruto knew that wasn’t really a lie.

“Are you worried about your new show?” Sakura asked as she sat at the counter, sipping from the glass of orange juice laid out next to her plate of breakfast, her expression concerned. “Is that why you called him?”

“Nah,” Naruto smiled, “I think he just misses having me at home because he’ll send me these corny father-son memes because he thinks they’re cool.”

Sakura laughed, almost spitting out her drink. “He thinks memes are _cool_?”

“Cut him some slack. He’s older.”

Naruto stared at Sakura as she reached for a piece of bacon and chewed slowly, her brow furrowed. He recognised the way she sighed every time she took a bite, and he knew it was because deep down, the guilt she felt was bleeding into the things she did everyday. After just her second piece of bacon, she stood up to wash her hands at the sink. Without saying a word, she reached up and kissed him on the cheek then headed back towards the bedroom.

“I made you like,” Naruto began, “a whole plate, aren’t you going to finish it before work?”

“I’m already late,” she replied from the bedroom, “so you can have it.”

“Are you crazy?” Naruto said, exasperated, “I have my own plate. Can’t you just finish it?”

“I have to start getting ready.”

“Work starts at nine.”

“And you know how long it takes me to get ready.” Coming out in a towel, Sakura placed her hands on either side of her hips and tilted her head, the stance she took whenever she had that ‘I told you so’ attitude that admittedly, annoyed Naruto sometimes. She wasn’t going to budge even if she knew he was right. Without a concrete, solid argument, there was no way that Naruto was going to prove his point. As though she wasn’t hiding something from him, she was going to continue convincing herself that she didn’t need to eat, or that she wasn’t hungry, and she did it exactly in this manner: dismissing him like it was _okay_ to do so.

He nodded and clenched his jaw, picking up her plate and turning towards the sink.

“What’re you doing?” Sakura’s voice chimed right behind him, making him jump.

“ _Jesus_ , Sakura-chan, don’t scare me like that!”

“Are you wasting food?”

“You said you didn’t want it.”

“It doesn’t mean you can’t put it in the fridge!” she exclaimed as she stood before him, her expression horrified.

“Well,” Naruto said, “will _you_ eat it later? Because I won’t.”

“I’ll probably be eating out later,” she sighed, “so no. But I thought maybe you could eat it later, like leftovers or something.”

Scratching the back of his neck, Naruto felt as though his patience was being tested. “Yeah, because you avoid eating by making me finish your food,” he mumbled to himself.

“What was that?”

“Nothing,” he retorted, “you should get ready. Don’t wanna be late.”

Sakura’s eyes watched him, her brow furrowing like she knew he was hiding something from her (which, admittedly, he was), but she let out a breath before walking away, her hips swaying from side to side as she disappeared into the bathroom. Letting out a frustrated breath, Naruto reminded himself of his phone call with Minato that very morning, that he had to be patient and _show_ Sakura that he wasn’t going anywhere, that he was always going to be there to support her. Still, with spirits that was as stubborn as the both of them, it was going to feel like a tug of war. While Naruto loved her more than he could understand, there were times that he knew loving someone wasn’t enough.

Sakura taught him that.

Pouring himself a glass of orange juice, Naruto listened to the running water from the shower and he frowned. _She even stopped singing_ , he thought to himself. Opening the drawer next to the sink, Naruto pulled out saran wrap and covered her plate, frowning as he did it. Patience was easy when she didn’t hide anything from him, and he knew that her recent loss was part of the reason she was acting like this. Surely, all the animosity she currently felt for herself was just the tip of the iceberg. Knowing her, and knowing her incredible sense of perfectionism, Naruto _knew_ that from here on out, she was only going to get worse. The most infuriating thing was that as of right now, with all the information he had, he could _still_ do nothing, because it wasn’t enough to change anything.

Sighing, Naruto pulled out his phone and checked the time: 6:45AM. He still had a long day ahead of him, what with work starting in the afternoon. Seeing that he was _obviously_ not going to get enough sleep before he had to leave, he figured it was probably a good idea to actually pull out his script and start getting into character. He was used to playing the goofy best friend, or some kind of side kick, but now, he was the lead. The one who was going to get the most character development, and the one that was going to make his acting career soar higher. The whole idea was surreal, in all honesty, but as he opened his script, he felt like maybe, this was what he had wanted all along.

He heard the bathroom door open and drew in a deep breath when he heard Sakura approach him from behind. Preparing himself to be patient, he called it. Or rather, _reminding_ himself to be compassionate and understanding at the fact that she simply was the secretive type sometimes.

“How far did you get in the script?” she asked, her hands on his shoulders.

“Not that far,” he replied, “I kept getting distracted.”

“Okay,” she sighed, “something is bothering you.” She moved to the arm rest of the sofa he sat on and crossed her arms, her expression worried. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Actually,” he said, “I’m not ready to.”

Sakura blinked.

“You’re not ready to?”

“Yeah,” he breathed, “I think it’s not something you’re ready to hear, and I just want to take my time in telling you, if that’s okay.”

Green eyes widened by a fraction at his words and he _knew_ he had hit a nerve. He watched her face with careful tenacity, looking for any hint of an epiphany that she might have been having in that exact moment. When he found nothing but hurt, his eyes softened and he turned his gaze back to the script before him, feeling like his nerves were going to be broken from the anxiety, the frustration, and the pure sadness he was experiencing. Sakura let out a quick ‘humph’ and cleared her throat, the way she always did when she was being diplomatic, like when she was talking to a _client_. Naruto clenched his jaw again.

“That’s fine,” she said, her voice level, “I hope that when you’re ready, you can come talk to me.”

She didn’t let him say another word as she walked off, holding her towel in place and quietly closing the door behind her. Naruto could hear her rustling around, could hear her opening drawers and pulling things out to help her get ready for the day. He could see it: her opening the drawer of their dresser and pulling out her hair dryer and her makeup, setting them on their dresser, then taking out the bottle of her pills and stuffing it into her bag. Picturing her face as she did so, he knew that she thought that was something she had to do, that it was a necessity in order to feel better about herself. With tears brimming his eyes, Naruto rested the back of his head against the sofa.

“Yeah,” he whispered as he heard the faint blasting of the hair dryer, “I hope you can, too.”

Hearing his phone vibrate on the coffee table, Naruto sighed as he leaned forward and checked the name to find that it was just work. He grabbed it, clearing his throat before he picked up.

“Naruto,” his director’s voice boomed in his ear, “didn’t think you’d be up this early!”

“Hasegawa! Surprised, are ya,” Naruto smirked, “why are you calling me so early in the morning if you weren’t expecting me to be awake?”

“I know it’s a bit of a late update,” the voice rang, “but we finally found an actor to play your little brother.”

“Really? This late into the process?”

“Yeah, I know. The kid’s supposed to be great, though.”

“He should be, if he got the part.” Naruto cleared his throat and leaned back against the sofa. “I thought you guys were just gonna write off the little brother thing, though.”

Hasegawa ignored him, too excited about the future of his show to properly answer Naruto’s speculation. “Name’s Takashi Yuuki,” his director chimed, “you heard of him?”

“No,” Naruto replied as he pinched the bridge of his nose, “sounds like he should be in a _shoujo_ , but why? Should I?”

“He’s supposedly real good, but kinda hard to deal with.”

“What does that mean?”

“People say he’s kinda cold,” Naruto tried to stifle a yawn this time, wiping his eyes and willing himself to keep listening _at least_ until the call was over, “so, I was hoping you’d do something about it.”

“Yeah,” Naruto sighed, “sure. I’ll talk to him.”

“Great! Maybe you can build some sort of friendship with him, since you guys’ll be portraying siblings.”

Absentminded, Naruto’s eyes fell to the reflection of the television before him as his director ranted on and on about this kid who apparently was incredibly talented and was an asset who could bring a lot of viewers into watching “Honey” just for his appeal. In this day and age, it was important to stay in style, to stay _relevant_. That’s what magazine issues of _Vanity Fair_ was for: to remind people what was in style, _who_ was in style, and what was the most fashionable way to live. A lot of the time when Naruto thought about how he got to this point in his career, he remembers the nights he would be at his computer, researching theatre techniques and different theatre practitioners. Even though he could afford to live a luxurious lifestyle, and despite the fact that his manager would tell him he no longer had to try hard, Naruto thirsted for knowledge and had a reckoning for making himself better in all the ways that he possibly could. If there was one thing about himself that he never wanted to disappear or to change, it was his impeccable need to understand the inner workings of the things that he loved.

“Yeah,” Naruto said finally when the line fell silent, “it’ll be great.”

The bedroom door creaked open and Sakura’s face was done up naturally and ready to head for work, but her eyes were still dull even as she looked at him and smiled, mouthing the words ‘good luck today’ as she walked past him. His lips stretched into a smile as she waved him goodbye and as quickly as she got ready, she was out of the door, letting it shut behind her. Naruto ran his fingers through his hair and leaned forward, his head beginning to hurt.

“Thanks for the heads-up,” he said, “I’ll see you in a few hours. Gonna try and get some rest beforehand.”

“Don’t overwork yourself, kid,” Hasegawa chuckled over the phone.

Naruto laughed, but his eyes stayed glued to their apartment door, his subconscious uneasy. “I’ll try my best not to.”

After what seemed like a whole year of just trying to get to the bathroom from where he sat, Naruto finally turned the faucet so that the cold water would beat down on him, in the hopes that he would wake up and be able to get to work without passing out. A couple times a year, both he and Sakura would get so busy that they barely had time for themselves, which was normally something that didn’t really _bother_ him since it meant that they were both trying their hardest to do something they enjoyed. To be fair, in light of recent events, he couldn’t exactly rest easy since he knew that if he gave Sakura the benefit of the doubt, she would end up drowning in herself with no way out. As he washed his face, all he saw behind his eyelids was her face and her smile, trying to shoulder her burdens by herself. While he knew they were both busy and barely had time to reconnect as much as they’d like to, he felt as though he was at a loss for what to do for her.

Deep down, he knew that depression didn’t work that way, though he always wished it did. No matter how much he wanted to pull her out of the crashing waves, all he could do was trust that she would lace her fingers through his and hoist herself up, back into the warmth of his arms that he knew she called home. 

* * *

 “Hasegawa,” Naruto groaned, “you’re gonna kill us if you keep going at this speed.”

The balding man sighed and rubbed his temples, making an attempt to consider his lead’s words. “We just gotta get it right.”

“Right,” a female voice holding a clipboard said sarcastically, “because most people in this room don’t know how your perfectionism can affect a good thing.”

“We can still make improvements as we go along,” Naruto added, “but for now, for the _love of God_ , just let us grab all that food on the table over there. We’re all starving.”

With a grunt that meant approval, Naruto and the rest of his cast flocked to the table in the corner of their meeting room, laughing as they grabbed paper plates and plastic cups. Although they had only been working together for a short time, he already felt that he was close to them and could afford to be himself and give genuine insights as to what would be best for the show. Hasegawa loved to take a more Western approach to the shows that he’s directed, and that was mostly because he wanted his cast to have a relationship, almost like a theatre ensemble. There have been times where Naruto dreaded acting because of the way a director and producer exhibited arrogance and gave the impression that only _their_ opinions mattered. With a cast like “Honey”, Naruto felt as though each and everyone involved could truly thrive.

Propping himself back in his chair, he happened to look across from him at a boy who was no older than sixteen, and who kept his eyes glued to his phone screen as his fingers tapped rapidly. His brown hair was short and straight, and his features were refined — almost like he had had plastic surgery (though he knew that wasn’t the case). Every now and then, he would scrunch his brow and purse his lips, as though he was constantly trying to suppress his annoyance with whoever he was talking to. Naruto cleared his throat and the boy looked up, his dark eyes dull and so obviously cold.

“You’re new, right?”

With a nod, the boy went back to his phone, his expression unchanging. Naruto watched the other members of the cast make faces towards him as though he was unknowingly disturbing a wild animal that wanted to be left alone. Naruto sat up and placed his food down on his plate, clearing his throat.

“Name’s Naruto,” he tried, but the boy continued to ignore him, his finger scrolling through his screen nonstop, “what’s yours?”

“You know,” the boy’s voice was sullen and tired, “you don’t have to be nice to me. I can take care of myself.”

“Don’t be so full of yourself,” Naruto said, and he could suddenly understand why Hasegawa made that phone call this morning: this kid wasn’t budging and he certainly made everyone feel uneasy. “It ain’t about taking care of you, I was just asking your name.”

As though he had planted a landmine, the entire room fell into a whisper as they watched the two, all their expressions frantic. Even Hasegawa paused with a donut halfway into his mouth as his eyes rapidly switched from Naruto’s face to the boy’s. It wasn’t going to faze Naruto, though. Truthfully, he despised people who wanted to start drama simply because they felt they had the _power_ to. It was incredibly narcissistic and selfish, and he wasn’t going to let anything like that ruin the flow of their cast’s relationship with each other. He waited, tapping his finger once, twice, then thrice, on the glass table before them.

“Yuuki,” the boy finally said, putting his phone away in his pocket and clenching his jaw.

“What?”

“Takashi Yuuki,” he said, his voice significantly smaller, “it’s nice to meet you.”

Even with his politeness, the room Naruto sat in did not move a muscle. Maybe they were waiting for a cold-blooded, low blow comment from the teenager, but it never came. Placing his hands on the table, Yuuki hung his head low and refused to make eye contact with Naruto. It didn’t seem as though he was _afraid_ , but there was definitely something different and maybe even a little unnerving about the way he seemed to keep everyone on their toes. Naruto sighed, then smiled.

“Yuuki, huh,” he said, “nice to meet you, kid.”

After the initial shock, Yuuki nodded and stood up, heading towards the food table. The rest of the cast stared at Naruto, their expressions showcasing an incredulous sense of disbelief. He shrugged — it’s not like the kid wasn’t human. Even just by that first encounter, the obvious problem with Yuuki was more that he was heavily misunderstood. Naruto smiled reassuringly at his cast and broke the silence by enthusing about the sweets before him, making everyone ease up and laugh. They each took their seats and gossiped amongst themselves, with Hasegawa laughing along with them. Subtly glancing over at Yuuki, Naruto felt a knot in his stomach form when he saw the frail, pale boy brush his fingers over the half-eaten plate of cookies, then retract and grabbed the healthier egg salad instead.

“Um,” Yuuki said without looking at anyone in particular, “are there any more donuts? I’d like a few.”

One of the writers smiled and motioned for him to come closer to her, holding out her plate of donuts. She was a larger woman, and her smile was bright as she offered a chocolate glazed donut to the boy, already seemingly comfortable with his quiet and reserved nature. “Ah, you’re so lucky, Takashi-kun!”

“Lucky?” he said, his voice embarrassed.

“You can eat so much and not get fat! I’m jealous!”

“Kana,” Hasegawa chuckled, “you love eating, you wouldn’t give that up for anything.”

“I know, but it must be really great to be able to eat whatever you want, and not feel bad about it!”

The room boomed with laughter and Naruto watched as the corners of Yuuki’s lips lifted, but fidgeting in his left hand against his sweater piqued the curiosity of the blonde-haired man who slowly chewed on his food. Maybe he was just making speculations, but it was a possibility that the reason the kid was so closed off was because from the very start, people would act like they knew him when they didn’t know a single thing about him. Perhaps his facade was a little less destructive, but Naruto knew that he was seeing someone else in place of Yuuki. In fact, he could see it more than clearly as he watched the way his smile didn’t touch his eyes.

As though she knew what he was thinking, Naruto’s phone vibrated and he quickly read the subject line from Sakura, saying that she was going to be home late because she was going to work extra hard on her current case at the office. Without so much as a frown, Naruto simply closed his eyes and composed himself while laughter continued to bounce off the walls. This was a perfect opportunity for him to work harder, to distract himself from the troubles of home. When he opened his eyes, he caught Yuuki staring at him with a curious glint and he knew that somehow, calling out this kid the way he did was either a mistake or a blessing. Still, he smiled at the kid, to which he turned away and pretended he was checking if there was dirt under his nails.

Naruto smirked.

“Okay, guys,” Hasegawa sighed, “I want everyone to get in their element, do whatever they have to do in order to make this pilot episode go out with a bang!”

“Shouldn’t we all do it together so it’s more synchronized?” Naruto asked.

“Eventually, yeah,” he replied, “but I want everyone to feel like they know what they’re doing, especially Yuuki, since he’s not entirely sure how this dynamic works with this cast.”

“I don’t need to learn to be comfortable,” Yuuki said blatantly, but it didn’t match his confused expression.

“ _Please_ ,” Hasegawa said firmly, “I just need some time to picture how I want this to go, and I want you guys to help me make it something worth remembering.”

“Hasegawa —“

“Plus, Naruto can be like your actual older brother, if you give him a chance.”

Glancing at Naruto, Yuuki rolled his eyes and sighed, though he made no protest nor did he ask if he could do something else. Taking his script with him as they left the meeting room and walked towards the coffee room near the set, it occurred to Naruto that he wasn’t entirely sure what to do with Yuuki. _Especially_ if he was going to showcase his attitude this way. Still, even as Yuuki neatly pulled out his script and set it before him, he seemed prim and proper. Naruto glanced at the seemingly untouched paper and raised an eyebrow, wondering if he even _attempted_ reading the script. Yuuki looked up at him, his expression blank.

“Have you even opened that thing?” Naruto chuckled.

“I look at it all the time.”

“So,” Naruto said as he slapped his script onto the table, “why does it look like you _just_ printed it out like some school essay?”

At first, Yuuki didn’t seem like he wanted to answer the question. His fingers carefully turned the pages to reveal brightly coloured highlights across the text and Naruto felt his jaw drop just the slightest fraction of an inch at the sight before him. Clearing his throat, he felt embarrassed as he leafed through his battered up script, remembering a time when he was the bad student who didn’t know how to be organized. For a split second when he looked up at the boy, he could've sworn he saw him fighting a smirk.

“I like keeping things in order,” Yuuki finally said, his voice level, “since it’s better to know what you’re doing and not make mistakes.”

“Mistakes?” Naruto asked, his tone surprised, “But you’re an actor. It’s perfectly reasonable to make mistakes.”

Yuuki paused, his finger pausing on a page before turning it. “Sure,” he said casually, “but I still try to refrain from that.”

“Why?”

He shrugged. “I just don't like lashing out sometimes.”

“You’re pretty conventional, huh?” Naruto said, raising his eyebrows.

“Better conventional than unconventional,” Yuuki replied coldly, “at least this way, no one can reprimand me for being different.”

At his words, Naruto couldn’t help but feel like Yuuki was putting too much pressure on himself as an individual as well as an actor. Drawing in a breath through his nose, Naruto stretched and felt the knots in his back crack, to which he sighed and leaned against his chair, his brow furrowed. Yuuki was seemingly glaring at him, but when Naruto began to open his mouth, the boy looked away.

“You know,” Naruto began, “it’s not a fault to be told you’re wrong.”

“I know.”

“Then why do you act like you don’t?”

“I just think,” Yuuki said as he moved to rest his chin in his palm, “it’s too much effort to be social, sometimes.”

Naruto chuckled. “You have a lot of girl fans, you know.”

“Yeah,” Yuuki grinned, “but that’s normal when you’re in this line of work.”

“Line of work?” Naruto laughed, “Kid, you’re an _actor_. You _are_ allowed to lighten up, you know.”

Without another word, Yuuki glanced up at Naruto through his long lashes before he shook his head, cleared his throat, and was very visibly just trying to get today’s work done and over with. It was becoming clear that what Hasegawa had said over the phone was true, but it was only half of the truth. There had to be a reason that Yuuki acted the way he was, and there were a myriad of possibilities that Naruto could explore just by looking at him. He could have a god complex in which he felt he was above everyone, he could have an _inferiority_ complex in which he disliked the fact that there might be people who were better at their job than _he_ was. Although, realistically, Yuuki’s issues were probably more deep-rooted than that. Naruto wasn’t one to pry, but if he knew mental health well — and at the very least, he was _trying_ to — then it was very possible that Yuuki was simply a talented kid who had a family that didn’t support what he loved doing. What he needed wasn’t for people to treat him like an anomaly, but for people to treat him like he was a person, too.

“You ready to start?” Yuuki said, his fingers tapping against the table lightly.

Offering his brightest smile, Naruto leaned forward and caught Yuuki’s gaze. “Whenever you are, little brother.”

* * *

8PM was considered an early time to be let out of work, which meant that Naruto had _plenty_ of time to hit the city and go to his favorite bar and grab some food before he headed home where he would continue to work hard until Sakura came home. Back when he was just starting out and before he had received any recognition, this would have been a boys’ night out with a few of his friends who were also working hard and acting in anything they found to be interesting. He sat next to a red-haired man whose face was one that his fans fawned over, what with his high cheekbones and prominent jaw. Holding a glass of whiskey, he turned to face Naruto, his expression curious. Never would Naruto have thought that _Gaara_ , _Vanity Fair’_ s ‘Hottest Hunk’ of the year, would be one of his closest friends.

Being an actor was pretty wild.

“So the kid’s just got attitude problems, then,” Gaara speculated.

“Not really,” Naruto mused, “I seriously think he just has trouble communicating in an appropriate way.”

“Aren’t people like that sociopathic?”

“Not necessarily,” Naruto sighed, “but I gotta admit that he’ll make ‘Honey’ more interesting.”

Without a word, Gaara made eye contact with the female bartender, smiled, and ordered another whiskey. Watching him, Naruto felt as though he was watching a magician perform his tricks, except this was more of a private show than a public one. Sure enough, the bartender had smiled and blushed as she whipped out another glass, her face hiding behind her long hair. Leaning back in his chair, Gaara sighed as he closed his eyes. While Naruto knew a lot of the city’s most prominent actors personally, it was rare that he was able to sit down with them and have a normal conversation like old buddies would. The man that sat beside him was considered eccentric, and perhaps part of his charm was that he was silent. That seemed to be a quality a lot of fans looked for, anyway.

“I almost can’t believe how crazy this all is,” Gaara said, the corners of his lips soft and spreading his mouth into a small smile, “we used to be _nobodies_ and now, here we are.”

“We didn’t get here by sheer luck,” Naruto reminded him, “we all worked our asses off.”

“I know.”

“I didn’t think people would love me,” Naruto chuckled, “it seems so surreal.”

“I know what you mean,” Gaara nodded, “it’s hard to forget that _we_ know we’re normal, but our fans think the opposite.”

“They’re called fans for a reason,” Naruto chuckled, “and I believe your popularity really started to skyrocket after you started to do romantic comedies.”

“What can I say? I apparently suit the brooding, mysterious type.”

In comfortable silence, they continued gulping down their glasses as they watched people come in and out of the bar, probably looking for something to do because they didn’t want to be at home. Naruto’s mind wandered to the woman he always came home to, whose smile used to always seem genuine, and whose hands now seemed a lot colder than they used to. He figured that she would be hungry as soon as she came through the door, but the question of whether or not she would admit it was a blur. Naruto frowned at the thought.

“How’s your girlfriend doing?” Gaara asked as he took another sip, “Still a fan of mine?”

Naruto laughed. “As loyal as ever.”

“You really lucked out.”

“I’m sure there have been some people you’ve dated that were special to you,” Naruto said easily.

“I guess,” Gaara shrugged, “but they always love me more than I love them.”

“What’s wrong with that?”

“Nothing,” the redhead replied, raising an eyebrow, “I’m just not used to it.”

Pulling out his phone, Naruto checked the time and exhaled sharply through his mouth when he saw that Sakura had left no recent message. He rubbed his temple and asked for another drink, his anxiety and concern growing even bigger the longer she waited to tell him her biggest secret. Feeling Gaara’s gaze on him, he pretended to be engrossed in reading something on his phone, and if the guy wasn’t buying it, he certainly wasn’t letting on. Pulling an envelope out of his coat pocket, Gaara set it on the table and waited for Naruto to look at him, which admittedly, was not a long wait, since Naruto was often intimidated by his stares.

“Speaking of fans,” Gaara began, “I got some tickets for my most recent movie premier.”

“Yeah?”

“I don’t really have anyone to give them to,” he continued, “but since Sakura is a huge fan, I figured she’d love this.”

Pulling the tickets out of its envelope, Naruto’s eyes fell upon the date and he frowned.

“I don’t think we can come.”

“Why not? It’s free tickets.”

“That’s Sakura’s birthday,” Naruto replied, “and I kinda wanted to make it special since we’ve both been busy lately.”

Gaara hummed as he closed his eyes, an indication that he was thinking of a solution that just might (secretly) help Naruto out. Out of all his friends in the city that had met Sakura, Gaara was the one who Naruto turned to whenever he messed up royally, or when he didn’t know what to get for a gift for an anniversary, or even help him with something simple like telling him which florist had the sweetest roses. He was a gem, and it probably wasn’t a coincidence that Sakura ended up being a fan of his. Not only was he a wonderful actor, but he was also a kindhearted, compassionate person who appreciated his fans beyond repair. A lot of the time, Naruto felt that he and Gaara were on the same wavelength whenever it came to their respective careers.

“What were you gonna give her?” Gaara mused.

“I bought these diamond earrings,” Naruto said hesitantly, “but I feel like that’s a little cliché.”

“Nah,” Gaara laughed, “that’s pretty classic. But I think you need to add something more.”

“Like what?”

Having ordered another drink, Gaara leaned into Naruto and flashed the movie tickets before his face, his expression smug. “Take her to the premier.”

“God _damn_ —“

“Listen first,” Gaara laughed, “you take her to the premier _first_. When it’s all over, do something for her that you haven’t done in a while.”

“But I do everything for her as often as I can.”

“I’m talking about something that will remind her why she fell in love with you in the first place, you dingus.”

“Well, that’s…”

“It can be anything,” Gaara said as he waved his hand as though the mere idea of romance wasn’t a big deal, “but whatever it is, make it _extra_.”

“How extra?”

“The usual: candles, flowers, wine — that kind of stuff.”

Naruto laughed. “You the expert now, just because your specialty is romantic comedies?”

Laughter rang in Naruto’s ears and Gaara smiled as he pushed the tickets back into the envelope, handing it over to Naruto firmly. It was a clear indication that there was _no way_ he was going to let Naruto refuse. He rolled his eyes as the redhead next to him pushed the envelope in his face, a tactic that most people wouldn’t expect him to execute, especially because he was the quiet type. If Gaara wanted something to go his way, it would, within reason, _definitely_ go his way. Naruto sighed.

“Why don’t you do this for girls you date?” Naruto asked as he pushed the envelope into his coat pocket.

“Dunno,” Gaara shrugged, “probably because I don’t see myself marrying them.”

Naruto cocked an eyebrow in question.

“Yes, Naruto,” Gaara sighed, “I see you marrying her. That’s why I always help you with shit like this.”

Clearing his throat, Naruto ordered another drink as he felt a heavy sense of guilt settle into his stomach. A lot of the time, when things were hard for both her and him, he sometimes felt that maybe he wasn't competent enough to keep their relationship as a force of strength for both of them. He knew that without her, his tenacity to work harder to become _better_ would be reduced to mere wishes, and that would cause him to think that maybe, he wasn’t cut out to be great. Throughout the years that he struggled and needed her support, she made him a better man. Yet, when he thought about what he’d done for her, he couldn’t help but worry that he wasn’t making her a better person. After all, there were things about her that hadn’t changed since he met her, like her need to hide the things that were bad for her from him, and acting like she was perfectly fine. Fingering the rim of his glass, Naruto looked at himself in the reflection of his drink as though it would give him answers.

Sakura often thought it would.

“Something on your mind?” Gaara said softly.

“Nah,” Naruto breathed, “I think things are just hard right now.”

“They’re never easy.”

“That’s true, but this is different.”

“Why?”

Naruto hesitated for a second, his brow furrowing. “She recently lost her father.”

No words left Gaara’s lips as he turned to look at Naruto, his own expression filled with remorse.

“That must be rough,” he whispered.

“She was close to him,” Naruto nodded, “and now, she’s resorted to doing things that are bad for her because she thinks it’s going to make her feel better.”

“Have you talked to her about it?”

Letting a sad smile spread across his lips, Naruto shook his head. “I found hunger-suppressing pills in her drawer the other day.”

“Seriously?”

“I don’t know what to do,” Naruto laughed, “but whatever it is I’m doing now, it’s probably wrong.”

“That’s probably the furthest thing from the truth,” Gaara offered, “and it’s probably ‘cause this is just how she deals with grief.”

“I know people deal with it differently.”

“Then, just be there for her.” Gaara pulled out his wallet and flashed out a platinum card. “Show her you still love her.”

Feeling his phone vibrate in his pocket, Naruto stood up and reached into his pocket as he composed himself to leave. Although they never exchanged words of gratitude or encouragement, Naruto was well aware of the fact that Gaara would always look out for him, no matter how renowned he would be on the big screen. Patting him on the shoulder, Naruto walked towards the exit and pushed the door open, feeling like there was more to himself and his relationship with Sakura that he had yet to understand, even after being with her for so long. Pulling out his phone, he smiled when he read the name, already feeling more at ease.

“Hey, babe,” he said.

“Hi,” Sakura chimed, clearly smiling into the phone, “I got off earlier than I thought I would. You up for some ramen?”

Stopping in his tracks, Naruto smiled as he spotted a woman in her cream trench coat walking towards their apartment, her suitcase in hand, her high heels clacking against the sidewalk, and her pink hair done up in a simple bun. As if it were _possible_ , he felt his heart swell even bigger than it normally would as he watched her reach for her keys inside her bag. Maybe everyone was right in that he was being too hard on himself, just like she would be harsh with herself, too. After having been through so much with her, he couldn’t _imagine_ that they weren’t going to be okay, that they weren’t made for each other. He pressed the receiver closer to his lips as he walked towards her, his anxieties being stripped from him just at the sound of her voice.

“You know,” he said as he came close enough for her to hear him right behind her, “I’d never turn down free ramen.”

* * *

 “Naruto,” Sakura called out, exasperated, “we’re going to be _late_!”

Standing before the mirror in their bedroom, Naruto adjusted his tie and opened the drawer before him, pulling out a black box and stuffing it into his suit pocket. With one last look at his appearance, he smiled and turned off the lights, stepping out into the living room to find his girlfriend with her hands on her hips, her bottom lip in a pout.

“What’s the rush? We have another hour before it starts.”

“That’s not the point,” she sighed, “we wanna get there so we have time to take photos with Gaara!”

Planting a kiss on her cheek, Naruto laced his fingers through hers and led her to the door, his nerves frayed from being so nervous. Before tonight, he had made the necessary calls and already gave a spare key to both Sasuke and Ino so that they could come in while they were at the movie premier.

“Are you okay?” Sakura asked as she tightened her grip around his hand.

“Yeah,” he smiled, “just worried that you think this is kind of lame.”

Sakura laughed. “No, I think it’s great. Especially since it’s one of Gaara’s movies.”

“He insisted that I take the free tickets, you know.”

“You’re joking!”

Naruto shook his head and pressed the button for the elevator. Glancing over at Sakura, he couldn’t help but think how _beautiful_ she looked, with her hair in loose curls and her little black dress reaching just above her knees. With softened eyes, he pulled out the black box that was sitting in his pocket, his heart beating fast.

“Do you want your present?”

“What kind of question is that?”

Naruto chuckled as he opened the box, revealing square diamond studs, fitting perfectly on the cushion for plain eyes to see and admire. Spearmint eyes widened and brimmed with tears as she looked at him, her expression absolutely touched.

“Happy birthday, Sakura-chan.”

“Diamond earrings?” she whispered, “Are you sure this is okay?”

“Why wouldn’t it be?”

“It’s just so expensive…”

The elevator doors opened and pulling her inside, he held her against him as he kissed her temple and gestured for her to put them on. With trembling hands and a soft smile on her face, Sakura carefully pushed the earrings through her ear piercings, watching his face as she snagged them into place. Brushing her hair to the side, she silently asked him if they were a perfect match, and feeling his face soften, Naruto nodded.

“Perfect,” he murmured, “just like their owner.”

The drive to the theatre was unsurprisingly short, but when Naruto handed his keys to the valet, he begrudgingly admitted that Sakura was right in that there was _way_ too many people lining up for photos with the star, to post on social media. With a cheeky smile, he apologised and guided her through the crowd, hoping that at the very least, if they didn’t get photos, they would be one of the first ones in the theatre. Trying to keep a low profile, Naruto kept his face down as he pushed through the swarm of paparazzi, gripping tighter to Sakura’s hand, when he runs into a paparazzi whose camera _wasn’t_ aimed towards the cast of the movie.

“Oh my god,” he shouted, “it’s Uzumaki Naruto! Hey, _over here_!”

“ _Seriously_?” Naruto grumbled under his breath as he tried to push past the unwanted cameras.

“Look here!”

“No, here!”

“Give us a smile, Naruto!”

With teeth clenched, he kept stepping forward, pretending they weren’t there.

“Ms. Haruno, lovely seeing you at the premier!” another male voice sounded, and when Naruto turned around, he was holding a camera that he _knew_ was airing the event live.

 _Uh-oh_ , he thought.

“That’s a gorgeous dress,” the schmuck smirked, “but I bet what’s hiding underneath it is _so_ much hotter.”

Whipping his head head towards the sleazy cameraman, Naruto’s adrenaline began rushing when he saw Sakura’s face: filled with fear and humility. Keeping his hand in hers, he walked towards the paparazzi, his eyes already seeing blood as with his free hand, he pulled it back and could already _feel_ how satisfying it would be once his fist made contact with his big, crooked nose —

“I think it’s a good idea for you get out of here,” a warm, welcoming voice said sweetly as he stood between Naruto and the camera. “because you wouldn’t want to cause a scene that could get you _fired_ , right?”

“You think you’re so great,” the cameraman smirked, “our show gets one of the highest viewers who _love_ to watch celebrities fuck up.”

“Celebrities fuck up because they’re human,” Gaara replied smugly, “but couldn’t attacking someone who’s not a celebrity get you fired for sexual assault? That is, considering she decides to sue.”

The couple watched as Gaara laid out an ultimatum for a man who was clearly not well-trenched in his job, and they continued to watch in awe as he scoffed and walked away, never looking back once, and not even attempting to get a photo or video clip. Naruto sighed, the rush of anger making him suddenly feel fatigued.

“Thanks for that,” Naruto said, “I seriously would’ve beat the shit out of him.”

“You know that won’t fly well as a celebrity,” Gaara lectured, “you could seriously get sued for an altercation like that.” 

“I couldn’t help it,” Naruto rolled his eyes, “he was so blatantly objectifying her. How could I just let that go?”

“Oh,” Sakura chimed in, “I’m fine, though. Thanks for saving his ass, though.”

A laugh rumbled through the redhead’s body as he guided the couple towards the entrance, his hands on each of their backs. “I’m glad you guys could make it.”

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world,” Naruto grinned.

“Technically, this counts as a present from you, right?” Sakura joked.

“If you prefer seeing it that way, sure,” Gaara replied innocently, “but I still think your boyfriend deserves credit. He loves you, after all.”

Flashes from the cameras were constantly going off as countless shots of Gaara and his cast were being taken, with a few extra ones of Naruto and Sakura, and before he could compose himself, the doors were opened and Naruto, with his girlfriend’s hand in his, was being guided towards the seats furthest away from the screen. Gaara offered him a kind smile as they settled in, then wished Sakura a happy birthday and a wonderful year, winking at her as he spoke. She laughed as she placed her hand comfortably in Naruto’s, her skin soft and warm. As the lights lowered and the chatter of the theatre came to a halt, he turned his head towards hers and found that she was already looking at him. Softly, he smiled.

“I love you,” he mouthed.

“I love you,” she whispered, then raised their hands and kissed his knuckles.

Through the abundance of viewers that were laughing so hard that some of them began wheezing, everyone left the theatre feeling, at the very least, entertained, and at the very most, like their stomachs were going to burst from laughter. Although romantic comedies were meant to be cheesy, the trend in which the jokes were dry and crass was a modern statement on what the media was turning into, and such thoughts were making Naruto feel as though he was having an existential crisis. He watched as fans addressed Gaara and asked for a photo with him, for his signature, for a kiss on the cheek — and he couldn’t help but smile at the notion that this was the kind of life they were both living now. Even though it had been awhile since they both started out by acting in small-town theatres, they both, by some miracle, made it onto the road to fame through sheer sweat and tears. It was almost bittersweet, especially as he watched Gaara smile for photos and thank his fans for always supporting him.

Naruto felt Sakura’s hand squeeze his and he smiled when she leaned against him.

“That was fun,” she said, the lines of her face relaxed, “I can’t remember the last time I laughed really hard at a movie.”

“I’m glad I got to take you out for your birthday.”

“Yeah, it was definitely a fun night.”

After hearing her sigh, he couldn’t help but feel cheeky. “You know,” he began, “the night’s not over.”

“Are you seriously suggesting,” Sakura retorted, “that we go _clubbing_?”

“Who said anything about clubbing?” he chuckled, “I was thinking something a little more personal.”

As Sakura walked over to Gaara and gave him a hug, Naruto used the few seconds that he had to check his messages to find that Ino had given the okay for them to come home, and that all the preparations were complete. He smiled as he put his phone away and gave a look to his redheaded friend whose arms were encircling Sakura.

“Thanks for coming, guys,” Gaara said, his tone kind, “I really appreciate it.”

“Any time you need us, you can always call!” Sakura smiled.

“Yeah,” Naruto said as he drew in a deep breath, “I’m proud of you.”

With a pointed look and a brief hug, Gaara quietly wished Naruto good luck and walked off, leaving the two near the valet as they waited for the car. Wrapping his arm around her shoulders, Naruto rested his chin on her head, making her laugh. Really, all he could think about was whether or not Sasuke and Ino made it out of their apartment in time.

“What do you have in mind for the rest of the night?” Sakura asked as they buckled into their seats.

“That’s a surprise, Princess.”

“Naruto —“

“It’s your birthday,” he said as-matter-of-factly, “let me call you that at least once a year, will ya?”

Sighing, she settled into her seat and closed her eyes, resting them for the short distance they drove to get home. The car was silent the entire way but the nerves bunching up inside Naruto were louder than ever. After all the years that they were together, there were days when he was more in love with her than he thought possible, and when his heart felt full the way it did at that moment, he felt as though he was falling in love with her all over again. Naruto understood that what they had was rare, and people spent their whole lives looking for something half as good, but often came short. An action as simple as tucking her hair behind her ear made him feel as though he got way too lucky, and despite the fact that she kept her relapse a secret, he knew that she was trying.

“What’s waiting for us upstairs?” Sakura mused as they stepped into the elevator.

“It won’t be a surprise if I tell you.”

“Will it give me a heart attack?”

Naruto chuckled. “I doubt it.”

When the elevator reached their floor, Naruto’s heart began picking up its pace again, and he had to fight every urge to run away from all the arrangements he made, to pretend that whatever was in their apartment didn’t actually exist. He took a deep breath as he unlocked the door, but his hand did not push it open. Looking over at Sakura’s concerned expression, he felt like he had a million things to say, a thousand different ways to tell her that he appreciated her and that he believed in her, but when no words left his lips, she touched his arm and silently asked if everything was alright.

“What you’re about to see,” he started, “I want you to picture it like the first time you fell in love with me.”

“The first time…?” Sakura murmured, but wasn’t given enough time to finish the thought.

As soon as Naruto pushed the door open, he _knew_ he wasn’t going to regret asking Ino and Sasuke for another favour like this in the future. The walls near the balcony overlooking the city streets were lined with fairy lights, and their sofa was pushed to the side, leaving a large, empty space in the middle of the living room for whatever they wanted to turn it into. Sakura’s eyes moved to the bottle of wine on the coffee table and took three steps forward, her breath caught in her throat. Naruto watched with intent as he reached for the remote for the newly installed stereo system, his heart skipping a beat as the music played and the love of his life whirled around to look at him, tears filling her eyes.

“What is this?” she asked quietly.

“I know this is going to sound stupid,” he explained, “but things have been so hard for you lately, and I wanted you to remember that it’s always us against the world.”

Kissing her cheek, he ran his fingers through her hair. “At the end of the day, no matter where we are, it’ll be just us.”

Pulling her hands into his, he led her to the space near the balcony where the lights shone the brightest, and if Sakura thought _she_ was going to cry, Naruto could already feel his throat close up. He pressed his forehead against hers and wrapped his arms around her waist, wordlessly reminding her time and time again that the tiniest actions from her could cause his heart to beat faster than anything else. She sighed, wrapping her arms around his neck.

“You want me to think of it like the first time?”

“Yes.”

“Do you know what I was thinking when I realised I was in love with you?”

Naruto shook his head, then moved his lips to her forehead, planting a soft kiss there. “What were you thinking?”

The music softly played their heart strings like they were instruments, every nuance placing them in a trance-like state in which nothing else mattered. Closing her eyes, Sakura breathed her contentment, and just like the first time he loved her, he pressed his mouth against hers, emitting a soft laugh from her as she remembered everything with him. Softly, she kissed him as they twirled slowly around the room, the fates weaving their hearts back to each other.

“That night,” Sakura whispered, “when I was falling asleep next to you, I felt something shifting.”

“What do you mean?”

“Like every time I looked at you,” Sakura moved her hands to either side of his face, the resolve in her eyes becoming prominent and truer than anything else she believed in, “I knew that _you_ were what I was looking for.”

Naruto blinked.

“I was…”

“Yes.”

“You…”

“Exactly what I was looking for.”

As though he was having an epiphany for the first time in his life, the weight of her words _did_ things to his heart, to his limbs, to the way he held her, and he was entirely sure that the overwhelming sensation of falling in love had bled out into their entire apartment. Her eyes were suddenly more beautiful, her skin warmer, and her words sweeter. Sakura wrapped her arms around his waist and buried her face in his chest, mumbling about how _mortified_ she was at the prospect that she felt something so intensely, so purely, and he felt his heart settle into his chest, like he could breathe again.

“Hey,” he whispered, meeting her eyes, “no more getting embarrassed, right?”

Moving a hand to stroke his face, Sakura teared up and smiled. “Right.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos / comments appreciated heavily xx


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am a dumb ass because i did not realize that i never posted ch5 not that it matters lmao does anyone even read naruto anymore

It hadn’t rained in the last few days.

That meant Naruto was waking up in (mostly) a good mood before he went to work for another day of “lights, camera, action!” from Hasegawa. Having to work in close quarters with all of the cast, they were quickly developing a tight-knit relationship in which they all felt like a big family. To no one’s surprise, Naruto was always cracking jokes in between coffee breaks, easing up the tension that sometimes diluted the air, particularly on early mornings. Not only was the cast in high spirits, but even Yuuki was smiling more often and slowly opening up to the other members of the crew. It was a comforting thought, that he seemed to be growing more comfortable in his own skin, at least while he was at work.

For a few weeks, Naruto was watching the kid carefully. Whenever he got up to go to the bathroom, which was admittedly a few times more than he should be going within an _hour_ , there was always an expression he wore that made Naruto uneasy. _Maybe he just has a sensitive stomach,_ he would try to tell himself, and it didn’t make it any better that none of the other actors were noticing his little ‘habits’. Still, Naruto would go about his day like he didn’t sense something was different, like paying attention to his antics wasn’t inadvertently making Naruto understand him a little bit better.

“So,” Hasegawa’s voice boomed in the conference room as he sifted through his notes, “anyone up for Italian for dinner tonight?”

“Are we _really_ doing this?” one of the women groaned.

“It’s a good way to make us closer,” Naruto retorted.

“Right, like we’re not _close_ enough already.”

“Tell you what,” the director chuckled, “drinks are on me.”

“Mr. Big Shot buying us drinks now?” Naruto laughed.

“Except you. Not you.”

The room boomed with laughter as Naruto smirked and shook his head. Hasegawa had always been a lax director, but his relationship with Naruto was one that was greatly cherished. In his eyes, a good relationship was one where you could joke around with your insults, but still be able to respect them wholeheartedly. As such, that was exactly the case with the two of them.

Lifting his head, Yuuki caught Naruto’s attention with the way his shoulders were slumped forward, his right leg shaking up and down, restless. The chatter around the room had gotten louder, but the blonde-haired actor didn’t take his eyes off the kid, his intuition telling him that _something_ was wrong. As though on instinct, Yuuki’s eyes met his and they were filled with an emotion that reminded Naruto of Sakura’s bad days.

A somewhat heavy weight dawned on him.

“Oi, Naruto,” Hasegawa interrupted his thoughts, “you in tonight or nah?”

“Yeah,” he answered coolly, “I’ll be there. What about you, Yuuki?”

At the sound of his name, the kid looked up and although the chatter was mostly still lively throughout the room, a few other cast members had turned to look at him, too. His eyes darted left and right, as though he had been caught red-handed doing something he wasn’t supposed to do. Naruto’s gaze hardened as an easy smile spread across Yuuki’s face, because he knew it wasn’t real, because he knew that he was _hiding_ something.

Despite the fact that Yuuki generally got along better with everyone now, there were instances in which Naruto questioned whether the friendliness was genuine, or if he was doing it because he was forcing himself to be nice. If he noticed what the blonde was doing, he certainly didn’t let on. He made brief contact with Naruto’s eyes before he awkwardly averted them downwards, then smiled.

“Since most people are going,” he said, “I’ll go, too.”

“That’s the spirit!” Hasegawa laughed.

“This is one of the first times you’re going, isn’t it, Yuuki-san?” one of the female actors, Mahoka, asked politely.

“I’ve been out before,” Yuuki replied earnestly, “but I had a lot of potential auditions to prepare for recently, since my agent likes to just put my name out there as much as she can.”

“She sounds so kind, to look out for you that way!”

Tuning out his colleagues, with swift fingers, Naruto pulled out his phone and quickly informed Sakura that he wouldn’t be coming home for dinner tonight. It was just after lunch for her, which meant that she would just be settling into her office and pulling out her paperwork. In his mind’s eye, he could see her brow furrowing as she read her client’s case file, then copiously taking notes before making a few phone calls. Not long after his text was sent, his phone vibrated again with an ‘okay!’ from her.

He bit his lip.

While everyone was preoccupied with fawning over Yuuki, Naruto slipped away and headed for the bathroom. Thankfully, it was clean as always and smelled of potpourri. Looking at his face in the mirror, he could see the vague eye bags that were slowly starting to take a form on his face. He hadn’t been sleeping well the last couple of weeks, especially when he woke up to find that Sakura was not beside him, and was on the balcony instead, just staring at the city lights in front of them. Without a word, he would pretend to go back to sleep, and it would be another hour or sometimes two, before Sakura crawled back into bed, sighing as she snuggled closer to him.

Yet, whenever they awoke in the morning to go to work, she was always unbelievably perky.

Evidently, he hadn’t had the courage to ask her about the pills he found in her drawer, but she was starting to eat more regularly, and in _front_ of him, too. In retrospect, he didn’t know if bringing it up with her was the right thing to do or not. He sighed, his lungs suddenly feeling restricted.

* * *

“Hey,” Yuuki greeted him as he opened the door to the restroom, “you okay?”

“Yeah,” Naruto smiled, “just needed to refresh myself a little. Haven’t been sleeping much lately.”

“That sucks.”

“What about you?”

“Me?” Yuuki’s eyebrows shot up, as though the question was a ridiculous one.

“Seems like something’s bothering you,” Naruto replied carefully, “so I just wanted to make sure you were doing alright.”

“Oh,” Yuuki said, averting his gaze to his left, “yeah, I’m fine. Just been having stomach problems lately.”

“Been to a doctor yet? We can’t lose ya.”

“Yeah,” he fidgeted, “I only started taking the medicine yesterday, though.”

Naruto nodded and didn’t say another word. He pretended to begin to splash his face with cold water, and with his gaze in the mirror, watched Yuuki go into a bathroom stall. Turning off the faucet, he walked over to the hand-drying station, his eyes glancing at the space where he could see Yuuki’s feet. He knew that the kid wasn’t sitting down on the toilet, nor could he hear anything from the toilet. He cleared his throat and bade a quick ‘see you later’ to him, then took one last look in the mirror. 

Walking towards the door, Naruto made sure his shoes resounded on the linoleum floor of the restroom, then opened the door wide and released it to close by itself. Turning his body quietly towards the sinks, he waited. Naruto wasn’t sure _what_ he was waiting for, but he knew that if he was patient, maybe whatever it was that his instincts were telling him would actually manifest into something that would happen right before his eyes. He was tired of pretending he didn’t know anything, sick of playing along with the whole ‘I’m fine’ game.

Then, he heard it.

Once.

Twice.

A third gag.

He stood as he listened to his on-screen younger brother throw up into the toilet, flushing it a few times before gagging again. The tug in his chest was a familiar one, like the one he felt when he found Sakura’s pills in her drawer. His fingers moved to pinch the bridge of his nose, wondering if he should say something, or if he should give himself (and Yuuki) time to get their thoughts together. Surely, being the person that _has_ an eating disorder was no easy feat. It was one thing to deal with body image issues, but Naruto tried to the best of his ability to understand that being bombarded with questions from someone would make the whole ordeal even more overwhelming.

In his pocket, his cell phone began to vibrate.

 _Fuck_ , he thought to himself, quietly opening the bathroom door and placing the flat of his palm on it so it wouldn’t creak as it closed. He exhaled.

“Hello?” he answered it as he walked away from the restroom.

“ _I just got your text_.”

“Yeah,” Naruto breathed, “I know we had a whole thing planned, but Hasegawa kind of just —“

“ _It’s alright_.”

“What?”

“ _We can reschedule._ ”

He fell silent as he watched the bathroom door open and close, Yuuki’s face wet from water, supposedly from having washed his face with cold water from the sink. They nodded at each other and Naruto bit his lip and closed his eyes, unsure of how to deal with the turmoil that was going on inside of him.

“ _Naruto?_ ”

“Wha—? Oh, yeah! Sure. Reschedule.”

“ _Are you okay?_ ”

“Yeah, why?”

“ _You seem distracted._ ”

The blonde felt himself smirk in irony.

“Nah,” he replied, “just a hectic day. We can open a bottle of wine tonight.”

“ _Sounds good. Love you!_ ”

“Love you, too.”

The conference room had been bustling with chatter and laughter the entire time he had _been_ there, but for the first time in a long time, Naruto felt out of place. He glanced at Yuuki, whose smile and laugh seemed more genuine than it was in the last couple weeks. Of course, Naruto knew that what he heard in the bathroom wasn’t an illusion. He _had_ heard gagging, he _had_ heard the toilet flushing multiple times, and yet, he found it hard to wrap around his head that this kid was laughing and smiling like there was nothing wrong. He wasn’t sure _who_ he was putting on an act for, but whoever that person was, they were selfish to allow him to suffer this way.

 _Reminds me of a certain someone_ , he thought quietly.

Propping himself in his seat at the table, he assimilated into the conversation about the next scene that was to be shot, about changes that were made in the script to perfect the overall story. Naruto listened attentively and pressed his lips to his knuckle, nodding his affirmation each time Hasegawa finished talking through a point. He cleared his throat as he fingered the pages of his script, vaguely thinking that he should buy a new pack of cigarettes. His last one had ran out a few weeks ago and he never really found the time to get a new pack since he had been so busy. With everything he had to think about and keep secret, he couldn’t help but —

“Uzumaki!” Hasegawa shouted.

“What?”

“You paying attention?”

“Er, yeah,” Naruto replied, sitting up straighter in his chair, “what’re we talking about?”

Hasegawa sighed.

“I was just saying that you and Yuuki aren’t going to be in any of the scenes for the rest of today,” he reiterated, “so you and him can relax with the others who aren’t _in_ the shot for today.”

“Oh.”

“And tomorrow,” he continued, “is going to be a little more rigorous because we’re gonna get started on our first slightly more emotional episode.”

“Comedy shows have changed so much,” a male extra uttered, earning a chuckle from a few other actors around him.

“Gotta adapt to what the people want, Keita,” Hasegawa grinned before walking away and towards the set.

Filled with the compulsive need to fall asleep, Naruto slumped in his chair and yawned, his eyes watering as he listened to a few of his coworkers talk about their personal lives, their relationship problems, and the occasional question about what to do for the holidays. He kept his eyes closed as he listened, allowing himself to be a sponge and absorbing the words he heard, but never really registering them enough for him to engage in conversation.

Lately, he was just _tired_.

Rolling his head around so he would be sitting up straight again, Naruto drew in a breath and opened his eyes. He _saw_ him look away, and he saw the sheepish expression he wore before it quickly switched to an amused one, listening to whatever joke he heard, and laughed. He knew. He _had_ to know that Naruto never actually left the restroom. Without so much as another glance, Yuuki averted his eyes towards his shoes, though he still smiled, trying to fool Naruto into thinking that whatever he heard in the bathroom was actually a fluke. Raising his hand to run his fingers through his hair, Naruto let out an exasperated sigh, earning a few glances aimed at him.

Now, there were two people that were actively lying to his face. 

* * *

The scent of red and white wine filled the space that the main cast sat in, with Hasegawa, whose face was red with intoxication, continuously pouring seconds for those who he deemed weren’t drunk enough. To the best of his ability, Naruto downed as  many glasses as he could before he would take a break and bite into his medium-well steak before him, attempting to be coherent enough to get home safely. It had only been a few weeks since he had dinner with them, but Naruto couldn’t help but feel like each time was new. Every single time he sat down with them, he _knew_ he was learning something new.

Once, he learned that Hasegawa occasionally switches languages when he’s drunk.

Then, he discovered that Mahoka, his female co-star, hiccuped when she drank on an empty stomach.

Today, he had the pleasure of knowing that Ryo, the shy assistant on set, was a _huge_ lightweight as well as a _huge_ flirt.

“Bring me more booze,” he chuckled.

“Ryo-san,” Mahoka giggled, “you’ve had enough!”

“Not when you’re the one pouring it for me.”

Smirking, Naruto cut himself another piece of his steak and chewed it slowly while he watched the laughing faces around him. His throat was warm, his jaw felt loose, and he _swears_ he was yawning every three seconds. The chatter and laughter around him had distracted him and was making his body react to being drunk. Clearing his throat, he cut off a few more pieces and stuffed it into his mouth, even though he knew very well that that was _not_ the way to stay sober.

Still, it somehow _worked_.

“I’m going to the bathroom,” he announced, although to no one in particular, as everyone kept laughing and making jokes.

Naruto had to pass several tables, several families who were eating and celebrating birthdays, anniversaries, promotions. Their smiles were bright as they clinked their glasses, taking a sip before laughing once more at something someone said. His hand lifted to the back of his neck and he rubbed there, willing the big knot there to go away. When he opened the bathroom door, the attendee nodded at him and stepped outside without saying a word. He let out a breath, one that he seemed to have been holding the entire night, and he could feel his lungs hurt as he approached the sink.

The mirror before him was spotless, but he still couldn’t read the emotion that was reflecting in his eyes.

“You okay?” a voice sounded behind him, startling him.

His dark hair framed his face and his frail fingers moved to push the loose strands away from his face. Yuuki offered an encouraging smile.

“Yeah,” Naruto replied, “I think I just drank too much.”

The kid didn’t say anything for a minute.

Then two.

The blonde cleared his throat and turned to face him. “You need anything?”

“Listen,” Yuuki said, sheepish, “about today—“

“You don’t have to tell me.”

“What?” he blinked.

“If it’s a big deal, I’ll pretend I didn’t hear what I heard.”

“No, that’s not what I was going to say.”

Naruto raised an eyebrow, his curiosity piquing.

In all honesty, he was accustomed to people not wanting to tell him things. They all had different reasons for keeping secrets from him, but ultimately it boiled down to the fact that they thought he wasn’t well-equipped to deal with things he hadn’t been through. In the beginning, Naruto always saw it as some kind of blessing, but the older he got, the more he felt like he was insulted every time someone kept something from him. Still, he didn’t try to push them, for fear that he was crossing a boundary.

Which, if it was any indication, was why Yuuki surprised him.

“What _were_ you going to say?” he asked calmly.

The rising young actor darted his eyes to the corner of the room, refusing to look directly _at_ him. Naruto didn’t move, nor did he try to prompt Yuuki to continue talking. Pressing himself against the sink behind him, he waited. Patience was one of the most important things when dealing with someone who needed help. That was the number one piece of advice that he came across when he was trying to figure out how to help Sakura deal with her depression, but no matter what these books or professionals told him, it would _never_ get easier. He would never be able to make it stop hurting.

Instead, he constantly waited for words that sounded like ‘help me’.

“I live in an unhappy home.”

“Wha—“

“I have always been detached from my parents,” Yuuki whispered, “and in the last couple of years, I keep thinking that I’m not going to make it.”

“What does that even mean?”

“It means,” the young actor sighed, “by the time I entered high school, I just wanted to die.”

At the blunt words, Naruto fidgeted with the bottom of his shirt and cleared his throat.

“Then,” he inquired, “why are you telling me?”

Yuuki was a straightforward person. That much, Naruto could tell, even though they had technically only known each other a few weeks. Then again, being forced to interact with someone almost daily was certainly going to create a dynamic and a relationship that, in real life and under different circumstances, might be more difficult to achieve. At Naruto’s question, Yuuki gave him a smirk and walked towards the sink, washing his hands then looking at himself in the mirror.

“Do you want to talk somewhere else?” he said finally, “I feel weird talking here, where that bathroom attendee might come back in.”

The blonde laughed and headed for the bathroom door, nodding at the bathroom attendee who actually _had_ been waiting for them to finish their conversation before he continued his doing his job. They walked past Hasegawa and the rest of the cast, heading towards the smoking-area balcony and closed the glass door behind them, leaning on the railing overlooking the city. Yuuki drew in a deep breath and let it out through his nose.

“I don’t have anyone else,” he muttered, “and you seem like someone who wouldn’t judge me.”

“This era’s pretty modern,” Naruto chuckled, “I think that most people would sympathise with you if you told them.”

“I’m not looking for sympathy.”

“Then why?”

The kid furrowed his brow and drew in a sharp breath, like when it was cold during the winters and you were trying to keep warm, and he pushed back his fringe with his hand. Naruto couldn’t help but think that every time he _looked_ at him, he just exuded an energy that told everyone he was just a kid. That he didn’t know what he was doing, and that he needed some kind of guidance.

“I just want someone to listen,” Yuuki replied.

“Why not get help?”

“I know that it’s bad for me,” he admitted, “but—“

“No fucking shit it’s bad for you,” Naruto rolled his eyes, “which is why you should get help. You’d make the people who care about you feel a lot more at ease, and you’ll eventually start to feel better, too.”

“It doesn’t always work that way.”

Reaching into his pocket, Yuuki pulled out a pack of cigarettes and pulled one out with his mouth. Gesturing to Naruto and offering him one, the blonde raised his eyebrows in suspicion, but ended up giving in and taking one anyway. The silence between them was comfortable even as he waited for Yuuki to elaborate on his previous point, his thoughts in disarray.

“How does it work, then?” Naruto inquired.

“In my case,” Yuuki replied before he huffed on his cigarette, “I’ve been meeting with my therapist, who suggested that I talk with a social worker.”

“Have you?”

“Yeah,” he breathed, “a few times. But, I don’t think he really _gets_ it.”

“I’m sure he’s trying his best.”

“Then, he needs to try harder.”

Naruto pursed his lips as he carefully thought of an answer. “Maybe, you’re not letting him try harder.”

“Well, yeah.”

“You won’t get anywhere if you don’t let people help you.”

Yuuki glared at him from the corner of his eye, but he sighed and made a noise in the back of his throat that sounded a lot like some sort of vague agreement. The night air was cool against Naruto’s cheeks, but it somehow didn’t feel as good as the smoke that travelled down his throat and into his lungs.

“I heard you have a girlfriend,” Yuuki said abruptly, putting out his cigarette at the trash bin right next to him.

“Yeah,” Naruto smiled, “her name’s Sakura.”

“She’s always with you at premiers.”

“I’ve been with her for a long time.”

“Since when?”

“After university,” he affirmed, “but I had been in love with her since high school.”

“What?” Yuuki chuckled, his tone almost cynical, “Like one of those love at first sight deals?”

“Not at all.”

“Oh.”

“More like, she was someone that I just _wanted_ to be near all the time.”

“Ew.”

At that comment, Naruto laughed. Of course, he couldn’t expect Yuuki to be as in tune with his emotions as the other people he knew. He was, after all, still a teenager. Being the onscreen older brother, he also wasn’t very fond of the fact that he kept cigarettes on him, either, but Naruto knew that with bad habits, he couldn’t just force someone to give them up completely. Habits were habits, after all, regardless of whether they were good or bad ones.

Yuuki had a dark sense of humor, but the only reason it was dark was because of his generation. Kids his age were exposed to more things that Naruto was exposed to when _he_ was in high school, but it didn’t mean that he felt as though he knew more than the kid. If anything, the more time they spent out on that balcony, smoking cigarettes and telling each other small secrets, the more Naruto felt like he was beginning to understand Yuuki better.

Inevitably, that also meant that in a way, he was starting to understand Sakura in a whole different manner. Her mannerisms were now seen in a different light, with the way that Yuuki described having to deal with mental illness.

Naruto had tried his very best to understand, by reading books and talking to people he knew that were psychiatrists or those who majored in psychology in university. However, _reading_ about something would never hold the same value of understanding as living through a particular experience. At that notion, Naruto frowned, convincing himself that there _had_ to be a way for him to understand better.

“Did you always want to be an actor?” Yuuki asked abruptly, pulling out another cigarette.

“Oh,” Naruto blinked, “yeah. My mom told me to do something else with my life first, though.”

“Nice of you to listen to her.”

“Moms nag a lot,” he hummed, “you just have to know which nagging is going to be important.”

“How’d you have the resolve to do something else?”

“For starters,” Naruto began, “going to law school would _never_ hurt.”

The young actor laughed, the sound genuine and fresh in Naruto’s ears.

“Do you ever want to get better?” the older man asked, finally putting out his cigarette.

“Of course I do,” Yuuki replied, “but there are days where I don’t. Where I think it’s better to stay this way.”

“Well—“

“Thanks,” the dark-haired kid mumbled, “for listening. I didn’t want to waste your time.”

Yuuki had never exactly been _awful_ the entire time that Naruto had known him, but hearing gratitude come directly from his mouth was certainly something he wasn’t expecting so soon. Perhaps, Hasegawa was right, in that he just needed someone who was more open, more willing to listen to the things he had to say. Without coincidence, Yuuki had _a lot_ to say. All it took was someone with the right mindset to listen, and to give him the advice that he needed. The corners of Naruto’s lips lifted into a soft smile.

“What are big brothers for?”

* * *

The pristine hallways were, for once, too blurry for Naruto to really register what was going on. He knew that he wasn’t using his legs. His nose vaguely picked up the scent of cigarettes and wine, and a flash of red presented itself before his eyes, making him squint.

“We’re almost there,” a voice told him, “just a few steps away.”

“What?” Naruto replied, trying hard to remember what had happened prior to this moment, “What happened?”

“You called me,” Gaara answered, “said you needed to get home. Then you fell asleep in the car during the last hour.”

Gaara was _shorter_ than him, but he was, without effort, carrying Naruto through the hallway back to his apartment. If this was the days before either of them had succeeded in their acting careers, Naruto would _swear_ that this was possibly one of the most embarrassing things he’d ever have to witness. He didn’t utter a word as Gaara’s feet padded on the carpeted floor, but he couldn’t help but wonder: _when_ did he call Gaara? Thinking back to when he was talking to Yuuki on the balcony, he remembered going back to the table to have a few more glasses of wine, at Hasegawa’s insistence. Admittedly, after that, he remembered grabbing his phone, but he was _fairly_ certain he had clicked Sakura’s name.

“You wondering why I’m sending you home?” Gaara chuckled.

“Literally exactly what I was thinking,” Naruto replied, sheepish.

“You called me.”

“I could’ve sworn that I clicked Sakura-chan’s name, though.”

“Yeah,” Gaara answered casually, “you were pretty convinced I was her.”

Raising an eyebrow, Naruto hoisted half his weight off Gaara and ignored the throbbing in his head as he tried to balance himself. Dangling his arm over Gaara’s shoulder, he sighed and rubbed his temple as he took a few steps forward, attempting to compose himself. Eyes shifted to the redhead’s stoic expression, Naruto couldn’t help but wonder why it wasn’t his girlfriend that showed up at the restaurant.

“You kept saying how I looked different,” Gaara smiled.

“I said you looked different?”

“You asked me when I dyed my hair red.”

“ _No_.”

“And if I did my makeup differently.”

“ _Oh my god_.”

“Hasegawa and that kid that plays your younger brother—“

“Yuuki,” Naruto nodded.

“Right, Yuuki,” the other affirmed, “kept telling you to not be rude and call me your girlfriend.”

Naruto laughed, the image of his drunk self hollering Sakura’s name even though before him, a man who was clearly _Gaara_ was making a face and telling him to get in the car. He sighed and felt the pain in his head alleviate just the slightest fraction, pretending to promise himself that he would never touch another alcoholic drink again.

“Was that the only thing I did?”

“You were pretty convinced you drove to the restaurant.”

“That makes sense,” Naruto replied, “since I normally drive to work.”

“Yeah,” the redhead nodded, “but this time, you left the car on set because the whole cast came in Hasegawa’s van.”

He laughed, remembering how much he felt like the son of a soccer mom. “I swear, he needs to sell that piece of metal.”

“As if he would,” Gaara smiled, “and then, when I led you back to the car, you insisted on driving.”

“How did you get that away from me?” Naruto asked, his expression horrified, his mouth a perfect O.

“I didn’t.”

“You’re not telling me I drove back home?” he said, laughing incredulously, “Because that would be _unbelievable_.”

Gaara laughed this time, the sound ringing in Naruto’s ear. “No, you tried to get in the car using _your_ car keys.”

“Holy shit.”

“You were pretty fucking drunk.”

“That’s terrible.”

The two friends exchanged no more words as they reached the apartment door at the end of the hall. Naruto pulled out his keys and carefully placed it in the lock, turning it and pushing the door open to a lit up room, with Sakura sitting at the dining table, her laptop before her and strands of hair falling from her messy ponytail, framing her face. Naruto stared at the baby hairs at her neck and felt dizzy.

“Are you _okay_?” Sakura asked, abruptly standing up from her seat, “What _happened_?”

“He got a little too drunk.”

Walking to the entrance, Sakura grabbed his arm and wrapped it around her shoulder, helping Gaara bring him over to the sofa. His face was tired and his breath smelled of mostly alcohol with a hint of menthol cigarettes, making Sakura scrunch up her nose. She sighed when they gently laid him onto the sofa in the living room, facing the TV.

“Why didn’t you call me?” she whispered.

“I apparently did,” Naruto replied, laughing, “but Gaara came, instead.”

“He thought I was you.”

“You’re joking,” Sakura chuckled.

“I asked him when he dyed his hair.”

She shook her head, but Naruto could see the tinge of laughter staining the corners of her lips and her cheeks. Gaara’s voice was background to him and he could hear the guy take steps towards the kitchen while Sakura sat down beside him, resting his head over her heart. He closed his eyes and listened, unmoving, silent. She spoke with Gaara from the sofa, directing him to where the cups were, and asked him to put some ice before pouring the water. Naruto sighed and wrapped his arms around her waist and pressed himself harder against her, wishing that he could fall asleep.

“I’m so sorry for the trouble,” Sakura said, her tone embarrassed, “I would have come if he had pressed the right button.”

“It’s no problem.”

“I owe you one,” she whispered as she threaded her fingers through his hair, her touch light and soft.

After a few more verbal exchanges, Naruto could hear their apartment door shut. Sakura didn’t say a word as she continued to brush his hair with her fingers, humming a tune that sounded so familiar to him. His jaw felt loose again, and he found himself yawning, his mouth coming into contact with her sweater. Slumber began to take him when his temples throbbed as suddenly as it had stopped previously, and he let out a sharp noise through his teeth.

“I’ll get you some pills.”

“No,” Naruto groaned, “don’t move. Stay with me.”

“They’re just right in front of you, silly,” she chuckled, “just reach in my bag in front of you. They’re in there.”

“Why do you have Panadol?”

“For when cases get really hard to crack.”

Trying not to move his body too suddenly, Naruto reached out so that his fingers could grab the leather straps, but he forgot that he wasn’t as coordinated as Gaara or Sakura. The bag fell to the carpeted floor and he groaned, rubbing his temples, sitting up to pick up her stuff off the floor. She reached for his arms and tried to push him back onto the sofa, but he waved her off, vaguely listening to her protests, but not really registering what she was saying. His eyes fell upon the small box with the word Panadol on it and he bent down to pick it up, but out of the corner of his eye, he saw an eerily familiar orange bottle almost rolling under the sofa. He froze, all the alcohol that had settled inside his veins now taking form as coherent thoughts inside his brain. His voice was caught in his throat. _No_ , he thought to himself, _I must be hallucinating_.

“Naruto,” Sakura said, her voice apprehensive, “you need to lay back.”

“What is this?” Naruto asked quietly, lifting the bottle and showing it to her, then watched her eyes fall to her lap.

“It’s just medicine.”

“For what?”

Sakura stayed silent for a few seconds, hesitating. “When I feel sick.”

He felt his eyes prickle like needles were poking at them and he hardened his jaw. “You mean, when you feel hungry?”

“ _What_?” Sakura looked up, her expression horrified.

“You been eating this every time you’re hungry,” Naruto replied, his voice wavering and his hands trembling, “because you’re too scared to tell me you need help?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

For the first time in a long time, Naruto raised his voice and he felt his throat close up, making his screams strained.

“Is _this_ the thing that you’ve been hiding me for the last couple weeks?!”

“What are you _saying_?”

“I found this in your drawer when I started—“

“What do you _mean_ ,” Sakura hissed, “you found it in my drawer?”

The jaw that was clenched loosened and he stared at her infuriated face, the face that he had fallen in love with, twisted into a whole new expression of rage and betrayal. He took a deep breath, attempting to calm the fury within his veins.

“It fell out when I was looking for my calendar.”

The lines around her forehead had loosened and Sakura stared at him, her expression like one of a child who had been caught red-handed stealing out of the cookie jar, or had been caught lying right through their teeth. Naruto waited for her to say something — _anything_ — but her eyes merely watched him, as though _he_ was the one who lied to her. He raised his hands and rubbed his eyes, forcing the tears to go away, demanding the sadness inside him to disappear.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he whispered.

“There was nothing to tell,” she replied simply, “and I didn’t want to bother you with pointless things.”

“ _Pointless_?” Naruto shouted, his patience waning thin. “ _Starving_ yourself when you have anorexia is the least pointless thing that I can think of!”

“You think you know _so_ much about mental health,” she spat, “but sometimes I really wish you would stop trying.”

“Why?”

“I won’t get better,” she yelled, her voice breaking, “and you believe in me _too fucking much_.”

“Of _course_ I believe in you,” he uttered, attempting to lower his voice, “I will always believe in you.”

“You don’t get it.”

“What don’t I get?”

“I didn’t want to burden you.”

That made a hot, red flare of rage zip up his spine, coming through in the way he clenched his jaw again, in the way his hands balled into fists at his side as he tried so very hard to find the words that he wished he didn’t have to scream at her to make _her_ get it. The tears had long evaporated and instead, in his stomach, was a settling sadness and inadequacy that vowed to stay there.

“Would you _stop_ ,” his shrill cry making the apartment seem smaller than it actually was, “treating me like I’m the dumb ass I used to be?”

“I never said—“

“You don’t have to _say_ it for me to know that you think I’m too stupid to get it.”

In his large hand, he held the orange bottle and took one look at it, remembering the night he promised to stick by her side, no matter what kind of challenges she may face. He pictured her face, her tears, as she woke up in the hospital, apologising for causing him so much worry. He turned the bottle in his hand, finding it difficult to believe that the girl he found in that apartment back then, and the girl who was facing him now with fearful eyes, was the same person.

“Who was the one,” he said through his teeth, “that found you on your bathroom floor?”

“That’s not—“

“ _Who_ ,” he hollered, “was the one that called the ambulance?”

Sakura’s arms had fallen weak at her side, and her eyes brimmed with tears as she watched his face contort into one of hurt and anger. She looked down, avoiding eye contact altogether. Naruto took a step closer, wanting to reassure her, wanting to keep on loving her, and wishing she would _see_ how hard he was trying.

“I didn’t leave then,” he whispered finally, his fists loosening, “so I don’t know why you won’t say you need me.”

They fell silent, both their gazes angled at their feet and away from each other’s faces.

“If I tell you I need you,” she whispered as she raised her hands to bury her face in her palms, “I will lose a part of myself. I’m _terrified_ to need you.”

As though she shot him, he felt his heart drop to his stomach, shattering like an expensive vase hitting the floor before its pieces were splayed across the floor. Sakura never admitted she needed help, because she felt that she could do everything herself. That was how she dealt with her depression and her drinking habits before she began going to therapy, and the cycle was repeating itself, and especially so after her father passed away. Naruto felt his resolve weaken, not knowing if he needed to get on his knees and beg for her to open up to him.

On the other hand, Naruto was an impatient person, and he _despised_ being treated like an idiot, like a child that didn’t understand the more difficult things in life. In the long run, he always felt insulted whenever people tried to dumb things down for him, or avoided telling him things altogether. Betrayal was a friend he was not used to seeing, especially not when it was Sakura that reintroduced him to it.

“Sakura-chan,” he said, defeated, “I know how to be a boyfriend. I know that with things like this, you need someone.”

His mouth paused before he continued, unsure if what he was saying was even the slightest bit selfish. “I know that you need _me_ , and it’s okay to need me.” He felt his eyes well with fresh tears and it took almost all of his being to blink them away. “You can tell me anything, especially things that you can’t tell anyone else.”

The silence hung in the air as he lifted his head to look at her, but she kept her eyes level with his chest, refusing to look at his face directly. Nonetheless, he silently waited, telling himself that _this_ was how he was supposed to be there for her. He was supposed to barrel through her defences and remind her that he loved her, just like everyone was always telling him to do. The jagged pieces of his heart poked at his stomach and a little at his throat, reminding him that she _lied_ , but that it didn’t happen for no reason.

“I can’t do this right now,” she said, her expression tired, “I don’t have the energy for this.”

“Sakura-chan,” he breathed, his voice shaking, “do you not believe me?”

She raised her head to look at him, but her eyes had lost the shine that he knew so well. Tucking a lock of hair behind her ear, she sighed and moved to cross her arms, the lines on her face suddenly more tired than he was used to seeing. Her mouth opened, then closed, and she pursed her lips as she looked at his face again.

“I want to believe you,” she uttered, sniffling, “I really do.”

Throughout the apartment, an unsettling air of distrust wafted into every crevice and every corner before it entered Naruto’s lungs, gluing him to his spot and making him unable to move. Her eyes anchored him to the floor and even as she began to walk away, he couldn’t raise his hands to stop her from walking away. His voice was caught in his throat and words were unable to be formed by his tongue, almost like a plague had suddenly taken him over. Sakura didn’t turn her head once as she walked towards the bedroom, not even when she closed the door behind her and locked it. Naruto stared at the wooden door and the hopelessness that sloshed around in his stomach finally brought him to sit down on the sofa.

He could hear her moving around in their bedroom.

The drawers were opening and closing.

The curtains were being drawn.

The light switch was turned off.

Finally, the sound of her settling onto the bed and trying to mask the sounds of her miserable wails with the pillow.

Naruto listened and with no willpower left, he felt his shoulders finally begin to wrack with the knowledge that no matter what he did for her, Sakura didn’t believe that he wouldn’t leave her. His knees began to give out and he slumped onto the couch, staring at her other belongings that had fallen before. Leaning forward and reaching with one hand, he quietly and carefully placed everything back into her bag and zipped it up, his emotions mangled and making him unsure of what he was supposed to feel.

Maybe it was his fault.

Maybe he should have backed off.

Pulling out his phone, he checked the time that read 1:07AM, and could feel his heart crumbling with every sob that he could hear through their apartment walls. With every second that he knew he couldn’t comfort her, and with every second that he had to hear her cry and _know_ it was because of him, he became lost. He thought back to his father’s words, telling him to keep loving her even when things got tough, but a pressing thought wouldn’t stop weighing on his mind:

The notion that Sakura only ever relied on herself because he wasn’t doing his best at creating a safe enough environment for her to express vulnerability. If she ever felt that she couldn’t say anything about her feelings to him, then maybe the reality was that she didn’t need him anymore. In Naruto’s darkest moments, he knew that some people didn’t need him as much as he thought.

His eyes fluttered shut when he finally stopped hearing her, and even when slumber kindly put him to sleep, he still dreamt that her lips, curved and usually shaped in his favorite smile, were now lifeless and uttered the words:

_I don’t need you anymore_. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> do you ever hear from people you used to love, and it reminds you that even though it didn't work out, you still love them a lot?


End file.
